Music = survival

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Saturday, December 26, 2009


time of peace
...for most

i sleep, i dream
i wake terrified
screaming,tears, horror
why must i see this
i hate dreams
a peaceful idea torn to shreds

why see it if i cant stop it
speak up?
remain silent?
either way, i lose

tortured by my own thoughts, feelings, images
try to stop them...
no point
rather not see it
just stop sleeping

peace no more...

Monday, December 21, 2009


wings...yup you've got 'em suprise
dont be startled that i know,
i wont say anything understatement
no words to describe them

take me away
fly me high
far from here
away from it all
just for a while
...a moment

show me what you see
a whole new view
an outlook, completely different
show me your world
just a glimpse

maybe if you did
i could understand
i could help better
just maybe
ill always try
maybe one day ill succeed

fly me high
so i can see
the world from your view...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

4 a.m.

not sure where this ones gonna end up, so hold on tight...

ponderin life at 4am, fantastic.
whats the purpose
is it worth it
am i doin this 'right'
doing as much as i can for people
helping more than hurting...i hope so, but somedays i wonder...
why am i here
will i ever know, i cant fufill it if i dont know.
i can see others purposes, where they're headed
but i cant see mine
im not askin for shit to be easy, just a little help as to what way to go

life, you always seem to shit on me, but more so my friends, i just dont understand the need for all their pain, why must they hurt,
why wont He let me help them,
why wont He let me take their pain
more questions ill never have answers for, guess im not supposed to...

im thinking about stuff ive never thought about,
stuff i shouldnt be questioning & doubting...
thoughts that are scareing me.
getting angry
feeling more alone & disconnected than ever
trying to figure out why, trying to remind myself of things
walked into your house the other day & hadnt felt so out of place in my life...
im at a loss as to how to fix all this
im afraid

thinking of all ive done over the years, all the mistakes, all the stuff ive fucked up
trying to forgive myself for things, knowing i cant be forgivin until i forgive myself...just cant seem too
the time i need you the most, i cant seem to connect,
feel like im losing you, its terrifying me
i need to get this figured out soon

how can one feel so alone surrounded by so many
so alone, so afraid, so disconnected
i wanna feel whole again, somethings missing, something im longing for again
i need you, i didnt turn my back on you,just got lost,
i dont want that, i dont need that
i want you with me, in my heart
i cant seem to get you back though
im trying,

im ready to be ok again, im tired of just lying, i want it to be true
im tired of hurting
im tired of the layers of masks, theyre becoming to heavy, im losing 'me' but more importantly, im losing you, that cant happen

im tired, drained, physicallly, emotionally, mentally... just dead
literally feel dead, im just goin through the motions at this point

i cant even keep up with all thats goin on in my head
thoughts are movin to quick to get out

Friday, December 4, 2009

I'm holding on
But the rope is slipping
I'm still holding on
Fighting for a grip

I'm falling
This rope,
My only connection
I feel like letting go

I'm tired
Tired of fighting
Drained in every way
Mentally, physically, & emotionally

Still i fight
Don't want to give up
But it crosses my mind

Would it be better
All over, easier on everyone

If i'm going to fall
Might as well fall now
Stop the suffering
Make it end now
...not later

Still holding on for now
Fighting for a grip
Slowly fading...

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


Don’t cry because I’m gone
Smile because I’m finally happy

Don’t mourn when I’m gone
Smile because I’m not suffering

Don’t be sad we’re apart
Smile because we were once together

Don’t cry because it’s over
Smile because it happened

Cry if you must, but know that I will be ok
Dry your tears fast for I want you to have no pain

Just remember, I love you no matter what…

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Cracka K

It's been some time, since you've been gone
I thought by now, I would be strong
I think of you, and shed my tears
I wonder who, will steal my fears.
Your memories remain, inside my heart
My soul it seems, to be torn apart
You told me secrets, I hold so dear
I only wish, you would be near.
I still miss and love you, can't you see
I wish to hold, and talk with thee
So many things, I could not say
And now you've gone, so far away.
You taught me to, in God believe
You said He would always, take care of me
So take my hand, and guide me there
And save a place, one day to share.

December 4, 1986- November 23, 2003

Friday, November 20, 2009

Im tired of the yelling
Im tired of the fighting
Im tired of the shit

Im tired of pretending
Im tired of faking it
Im tired of lying
Im just tired...

I cant take the stress
I need out
This is the only option i see right now

Im tired of the hurting
Im tired of the pain
Everyone will be much better once this is done

Im sorry i wasnt ideal
Im sorry for the pain
Just know i always loved you,
No matter what
Dont forget that

One day we'll be together again
Maybe then we'll get it right
Less pain, less suffering, less heart ache
It will all be over soon

-km <3

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


I just want to tell you how much you mean to me. You really have no idea, well maybe some idea, of how much i love you. We have come so far & gotten so much closer as of late, im very thankful for that. You have that rare ability to calm me in any situation. Without you, i'm pretty sure i would die. I see only a tad of what you put up with & go through, i wish i knew how to help & take some of your pain & worry. I don't know who i would be without you, i know i would be worse off. You are the only one who truly 'gets' me, you are an angel in my eyes. Its so nice to have someone who understands & i can always talk to. I hope everyone can have someone like you in their life. I dont deserve to have you as a part of mine, but im so blessed that you are though. My love for you is the best kind of all in my opinion, not the romantic, but the true love of friendship & life. I'm here for you & always will be. I really do trust you with my own life.

I love you,
-kris <3

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

6 Years

I’ve tried so hard not to think about it
I can’t stop the thoughts anymore
I just lost control of it all…

I can’t believe it’s been six years
I miss your smile
I miss you jokes
I think about you everyday
Just wish I could have said goodbye
I knew I’d lose you someday
Just didn’t know that day would be so soon
Wasn’t ready for it
Gone so young
It’s not fair

Why’d you have to leave us?
I guess He needed his angel back
Sent you to us for just a short time
Impacted us all so much
School was just never the same once you were gone

I’ll never forget the day
Sitting in class, got the word
Disbelief, my Bird was gone
Couldn’t be, he’s my superman…invincible
Next few days a whirl
Tears were shed, memories shared
All a blur

Twelve years of laughs

Urtie Bird, just can’t believe you’ve been gone six years
Everyday ill continue to think about you
That smile, that love, those names, those jokes
Bird u gave me my wings, showed me how to fly
I lost mine the day I lost you
I know your still soaring though
In my heart forever, never far from my mind
One day we’ll meet again
Until then
I love you #3

Samuel *urtie bird* Urton
June 10,1988-November 11,2003

My Bird, My #3, My Angel

i wrote this about a year after we lost Sam...
My eyes fill with tears

Just another school year without you here

To hold my hand like you did before

I try to think of the happy times

Memories that were so fun to make

I try to be happy knowing you’re in a better place

But it hurts knowing I can’t see your smile or hear your laugh when I crack a stupid joke

We shared so many secrets and so many joy-filled times

My heart over flows with your undying image
After you left the fights seemed so petty and the good times so few

We took for granted thinking we had so much time

But we never knew your life would be cut so short

You had so many dreams and goals for the future

But they were buried in the ground

Everyone cried when they got the news

We couldn't quite believe you were gone with no goodbyes
It turned my whole perfect world upside down

Nothing seemed to break through

Until you came to me in that dream and told me to let go

You said there was no more pain and everything was fine

You told me to be happy and go on with my life

Then you kissed me gently on the cheek, smiled and faded away

Now I know that you are truly gone

But the pain is sometimes strong

The fog around my heart is slowly disappearing

And I'm learning to love again

Your fate taught me to live my life the best I can each day

Never trust tomorrow cause it might not be there

So I stand here in the hallway as the tears run down my face

I smile and think

You were my love

You were my friend

And you'll be forever in my heart

<3 6/10/88-11/11/03 <3

Friday, October 30, 2009


You see a smile
I see pain
You hear joy
I hear sorrow
You hear a laugh
I hear a cover
You hear "I'm ok"
I hear "I'm hurting"

You see me
But don't REALLY see me
You hear me
But don't really listen

I mask
You don't dig
Will you still love
When you see past the mask...
Will you ever even see underneath

A smile
A laugh
A mask
...Cover up
The pain
The secrets
The sorrow

No tears will fall
No pain will be dealt
Masks continue to pile on
And I shall speak but two words...
"I'm ok"

One day these two, short words may be true, just maybe...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

My Heart

O how I wish I lived near my best friends. I really need them, I mean I know they’re just a call or text away, but sometimes I need them here, to hug and hold.  Sometimes them or I just need a hug, that virtual hug only goes so far.  I mean the people I care most about live hundreds of miles away.  I have friends here, but not many that know me and my ‘other’ side, most of my best friends live in another state, yes I said ‘best friends’, I have more than one…  I love them with all my heart and would do anything and everything for them.  I would drive hours upon hours for them if I needed too.  I just wish I could be closer to them.  I really need my hugs from my fish...we've become so much more connected lately, i love her so much and really wish i could just maker her ok. My m-0w, how i miss this chick, im convinced that we are related, she is the best, and rivals fish for the best hugs that you never wanna let end and then theres my music & late night roomy C, this girl has been with me for the past 4 or 5 years, we've grown WAY closer in the last year or two, love her.  Then there's my ever so brilliant, advice spitting Benny, so wise and always knows just what to say, i love you dear.   I miss momma k, I need to be able to talk to her and just unload I guess.  How I absolutely adore coach, this man is truly amazing. He tries to be hard, but he’s a softie, don’t let him fool you.  Such a caring and sweet guy, he really is like another father to me.  And coach k, o what to say.  We have become so much closer as of late.  To think the first time I met her, I was terrified of her... not sure why, but I was.  I love and really admire her so much.  She helps me way more than she will ever know.  Why must these people live so far away…I think they are the ones I need the most to be close.   I need them here; maybe I should just leave and move closer.  I don’t know, I am just so glad I have them in my life, actually my team as a whole, but these just stand out the most.  I know they are always here for me. We can go months without seeing each other and still be like it’s only been a day since we’ve seen one another. 

"you meet people who forget you. you forget people you meet. but sometimes you meet those people you can't forget. those are your 'friends'.

"a true friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future and accepts you today just the way you are"

"a true friend is one soul and two bodies"

"true friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable"

Words Escape Me...

Why can’t I fix this
I don’t know what to say
I don’t know what to do
Frustrating, I can help so many people
But the one who means the most, I cant...
Just cant find the rights words
You mean so much to me and I can’t take away your pain
I’m sorry
I’m trying, but I just don’t know what else to do
I’m tryin to be strong for you
I’m trying to make you feel better
Trying to make you ok
I’m not sure how I’m doing; don’t think I’m doing very good right now
Just wish I knew the words to say
Just to make you ok
I need you to be ok
You’re such an amazing person
Always here for me
Always with a smile
Just know, ill do whatever I can to get you through this
Ill try to keep a smile on your face
Not gonna guarantee there wont be more tears, in fact, I know there will be
But just know ill always be here for you
Even if I just listen, I’m here
Rain or shine, shitty day or not…anytime, day or night…I’m here.
I love you <3

Saturday, October 24, 2009


Sitting here tonight listening to all the reviews of the movie and how awesome and amazing and captivating it was has got me thinking about the purpose of ones life.   I mean, in my mind everyone was put here with a purpose in life, whether that purpose is predetermined or you create it on your own depends on what u believe.  I can honestly say though that I think that Chad, Ryan, MB, Joey, and Justin were put here to help others through their difficulties using their own past troubles and encounters.  I no longer feel as alone, I no longer feel as isolated, I know there are others out there that have experienced things similar to me and without these people and all the members of the ‘Nation, I would still feel all alone and isolated with no one to turn to.  You guys truly are amazing, I have yet to even meet these people, nor have I seen the movie, but already I’m affected.  I can only imagine how much I will be once I meet them and also once I view this masterpiece of a movie and personal journey they each embarked on.  Thanks to all of you guys for what you do and have gone through, from the bottom of my heart, I truly appreciate it and have nothing but love and respect for all of you.

The question arises now… since we all have this purpose, what is mine… I mean, I think its predetermined, but I also think it can change and evolve, but honestly, I’m not seeing mine.  I mean, I wanna help people, but I’m not seeing how or which way to go… I’m just trying to survive at this point and take it one day at a time.  I keep hoping something will jump up and hit me in the face so to speak or I’ll suddenly see what my life is supposed to be like and which way to go, maybe its already here, maybe I’m just over looking it, not seeing what’s right in front of me, I just don’t know.  I just want my life to have meant something, whether that be something small or big, I don’t care, I just don’t wanna mess it up… I want my friends to at least remember me and say, ‘well she tried and did the best she could, or she helped me along the way…’ I just wanna know what I’m supposed to be doing, or at least a clue.  Those of you that have gotten to know me, know that I’m impatient, so all of this just sitting back and not really waiting, but not seeing things developing is really getting to me…I’m just tired of feeling like I’m not accomplishing anything and getting anywhere. 

I can see other people’s purposes and journeys evolving and growing, but I honestly can’t see my own and that’s frustrating to me.  The purpose of ones life is important and should be, in my eyes, a journey, not always a clear path or road, not always easy, but it is these curves & hills and troubles & battles that make the journey that much sweeter once you reach the end.  I want that feeling at the end that I did all I was supposed to & could and that I helped or affected other peoples lives in a positive way, whether that be them learning from my mistakes or words, as long as they come out better, that’s all that matters.  I make mistakes so that not only I, but so that you can learn from them as well and grow because what is life but a bunch of choices, some good, some bad… but as long as you learn & move forward, the bad ones are worth it in my eyes at least.


Wednesday, October 21, 2009


These tears I shed are for you
Your emotions raging in me
Your feelings become mine
You pain, now mine
All inside, I take it all in…away from you

Why am I sad
Why am I hurting
Why all this pain

I’m hurting for you
I’m crying for you
I’m taking your hurt
Your fear
Your worry

You don’t even know it I’m sure
That’s ok
You don’t need to, as long as yours eases
I’m ok with it

I can’t do this forever
I want to, but I cant
It is going to get me one day
It will kill me
I know it

I do it
I try to take it away
So that you hurt no more
These tears continue to fall
This heart continues to ache
They will until your ok
Just let me take it from you…please 


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

You Light Mine & I'll Light Yours

When the world runs out, when u feel alone, when no ones there
Just know, I will be. I'm here for you forever
I'll take away your worries, ill take away your fears. 
I can't promise ill get it right, I can’t promise I’ll take it fast
But I will do everything in my power to help ease you and your troubles

If I always knew the words to say I could take away your fears, pain, and worries
...I don't, but ill try until your ok.

I'm always here for you, even if you can’t see me, I’m here
Just a call, a text, a thought away...
I feel your pain, I feel your worry
From miles away, I feel you.

When I’m down, you know
As hard as I try to hide it, you can tell
You make me smile, so when you’re hurting
I'll make you smile, ill take your pain.

I continue on because I know I need to make you ok
I carry on b/c it’s the only choice I have
I carry on for you, I carry on for them
Just must keep going no matter what…remember that.

"Time waits for no one... Treasure every moment you have... Remember... Hold on tight to the ones you Love..."

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


Begin rant
-ok, so... where do people get off thinkin that they determine if im goin to Heaven or Hell?  Just because of the type of music I listen to isn’t something you like or ‘approve’ of does not mean I’m goin to hell. Im not listening to the music for your benefit, nor am I seeking your approval.   Just because i cuss, does not mean im goin to hell.  Ill b the first to admit, Ive got a sailors mouth, im tryin to clean it up & i pretty much limit it to certain places, but yes i slip... Im sorry.  Still doesnt tell me why you think your gonna determine my fate, last time i checked, that wasnt up to you.  People judge way to much, by judging me arent you doin exactly the same thing we as Christians arent supposed to do?(Romans 2:1-3) I know ive made my share of mistakes & will continue to im sure, but that doesnt mean im any less of a good person than you .  Im workin on the cussing people, but lets face it, i know i will always cuss to some extent, it might get better, maybe even worse, but im trying. And, my music, yea, its not goin anywhere, ill listen to what i want to listen to, i listen to it all, just because its not all 'faith' music doesnt mean a thing, again... Last time i checked, its not up to you to determine my fate!  :)
Side note, just because I don’t go to “church” does not mean im any less than you, I don’t need to go to a building to chat, I don’t need the ‘social’ experience, as in mu eyes church, at least around here, has become.  It has become something people do to go see friends and let me tell you, they are a closed off group, many not accepting of others AT ALL.  So I choose to do my chats one on one and not be looked at for being new, don’t judge me because I don’t go to your building to do so.
End rant


What is it with people & the issue of just keeping your mouth shut. Learn when to just shut up.  You end up makin yourself look like an even bigger j.a. & not to mention, your maturity level drops majorly. You dont need to stick your nose into other situations & keep drawing them out. Also, talking about people behind their back is shallow, but it's especially shallow when what your blabbing about isn't even true.  If your gonna talk about someone, say it to their face & make sure whats coming out of your mouth is true.  Just listen for once, take it all in, (here’s the important part) THINK, then speak or don't.

Friday, October 9, 2009

If You Only Knew

If you only knew
Knew the pain
In my head
My heart
My soul

It hurts
I hurt
I hurt for you
I hurt for them
I hurt for me

I try to just smile
I try, very hard
You know what
I’m tired

I’m tired of pretending
I can’t take much more
I’m not even sure I can take any at all

I’m slowly dying
Dying inside
My soul is going
Faster and faster

My heart
My poor heart
It’s done
The last real beats are gone
Just going through the motions now

I’m done
I’m done trying
I’m done hurting
Well, that’s a lie, I will always hurt
I’m just done caring
Just accepting the pain now

I’m certainly done hurting people
I’m gonna be the one who makes them smile
I’m gonna light their way
My darkest day will be their brightest
And I’m ok with that
As long as they are ok
That’s all that matters

Just maybe one day you will see my pain
Then you might just say you’re sorry
For all you say
No matter what people have
They can be the most unhappy
They can still hurt, a lot
One day you will realize this
I just hope
It’s not too late…