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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Letter to...

Dear you,


One day ill learn

Learn to listen to you


You give good advice,

But I just cant listen I guess


I want it so bad

Ill keep trying

Trying to listen

Trying to learn

Trying to move on

Hell, just move forward


Stuck in reverse

I am now…

Forward is where I want to go

…Where I need to go


To fix me, I need to listen to you

You help others

Why can’t you help me?


It’s not your fault,

I’m stopping this

Not sure why,

I don’t want to but,

I am…

Somehow, someway… I need to get over it


Ill learn,

I’m just not sure it’ll be in time

It may take pain and devastation for me to learn…

But at least I will… eventually


You keep giving it out

Ill keep trying to listen

Hopefully soon, my ears will open,

Until then,

Just keep helping everyone you can…

One day ill take it all in, then maybe, just maybe ill be ok… i HOPE



Sincerely, me

Saturday, August 22, 2009


I wrote this a while back....just found it and tweaked it a bit... 

a friend is gonna try to put it to music, so we'll see.. maybe it will end up as a song



Turn right, turn left,

It's all controlled,

The emotions inside, to contain the war below,

But the darkness inside

Is tearing me down,

I'm forever falling like this,

With broken wings and a forgotten halo,

And now I'm just praying for a reason to fly again…


In an empty apartment

With the lights turned off,

My eyes will close and I'll slip away,

In a different time and in a different place,

To where this all might be okay,

But with the memories gone

And the light fading fast,

I'll find love within the dark,

For I'm losing myself,

But at least I'm free,

And the only price I have to pay is the giving of my dieing heart….


Left behind are all the reasons

But they're just lost on a dieing road,

The darkness held off 'till the dusk once more,

Thank you to the dreams of those going on forever, so long and so unknown…


So hard to read

But harder to write,

The truth of this is so hard for us all,

So keep your ears on deaf

And your lips on mute,

And watch the children of this world as they forever fall…




We Whisper goodbye…

Voices lost inside the dark

And our redemption's found through strife,

These cries are warnings

Don't take your path…

Where everybody forget to care at all…


In a World of denial,

Where pain's ignored,

We close our eyes and slip away,

To leave the world and watch it from afar,

Maybe this is the only way…

For silence in sleep

Seems so much stronger than being awake,

But maybe someday, this will all finally change,

And someday,


You'll find the strength inside to hear,

The words of silent prayers…



For this silence is our prayer

Friday, August 21, 2009


I've never felt so empty
All these emotions swirling from within

These people mean the world to me
And without them a part of me is jus missin

I know all great things must come to and end
But why must this
This sadness I feel, I cannot mend

I just wanna cry
I feel so lost without you by my side

The love that we share
It's just so rare
Words can't explain the pain I feel everyday without you guys

I feel so empty without you
I know in the end we'll be alright
But how can I make it to the end if I can't make it through the night

All these emotions flowing within,
But yet I feel so empty

Now I cry as I write this
Because it is you that I miss

I will never forget
Don't know who I'd be if we never met

The emptyness inside needs to subside
Because now I jus wanna die

The emptyness I feel
Will never leave
Until your back at my side

Now I cry
Because I feel so empty
Until I see you again,
i LOVE you!

*written March 18 2008*

Never really Gone...

Never really gone
Just out of sight
Not mind though
Forever with me
Even if i cant see
I know ur here

Never forgotten
Always rememberd
Today, tomorro forever
Till i die, your in my heart

Then we will be together again
Ill see you, hear you, feel you
Finally i can hold you again

Until we meet again
I LOVE you


Never really gone..

*written July 7*
*warning, its 5am, i havnt been asleep in atleast sorry 4 the spelling & maybe lack of coherent sentences, if u need me to clarify or translate, ask*

As i lie here awake
i have so many questions flowing in my mind...

I wonder if its worth it
i wonder if im doing this right
i wonder who is here for me & who is here for themself
i wonder how ill b remembered, if ill b remembered
i wonder if ive done enough so far...
I know i should do more & i know i shouldnt wait for tomorro to do so, tomorro's not guanteed...
i think about what im doin to make life it enough? id like to say yes, but i just dont know
how can i make everyones life better, am i doing enough? Again id like to say yes, but i dont think so...
I think about all the mistakes ive made, were they worth it, not WORTH it, but w/out them, im not the person i am today...
Do i have regrets, ehh, i dont wanna say regrets, i dont think i regret anything... ive learned from them & if givin the chance to do it over, id decline, again, what ive done, good or bad, has made me who i am today...
i dont know what is going to work out or not, i guess thats life... U just go with it & if it works cool, if not, go another way...
Too many people wanna take the 'easy' way, take the other one, the easy road is usually not the right one... Ill choose to make my own road, go my way... if it works, cool, if not, there are millions of other unwalkd paths i can take... either way w/ my friends by my side, ill b ok in the end...

Most of all, i wonder if people know how much they mean to me,
i dont wanna have anymore people that i didnt finish talking too
i dont wanna b left thinking , 'did i say all i needed to say', unfortunatly, i already have a few of those, ill never get the chance to tell them how i really felt & make sure they had no doubts about my love for them... I cant change that part now, but i can make sure no one else has those doubts...

i can sit here & think of a million things that people would say id need to do differently, & yes, somethings i should have done different, but thats in the past now & i cant change it, all i can do it learn from it & use it to do things different in the future...
Again, the word 'regret' will b brought up, seriously ya'll i have no regrets, i did what i did, right or wrong, for a reason, maybe not a good one, but still it had a purpose, & im ME today b/c of those decisions i made... trust me, there will b more 'wrong' moves in the future, but all i can hope for is that i learn from them & keep going...

Im really trying to always look at things in a positive way, but if i slip & have a negative day or days... Just remind me of how lucky i am! All of you are lucky to be alive & well & im lucky that i have YOU! :)

If u read my late night ramblings, cool... If not, thats cool too b/c thats all they are, spurts of thoughts, scrambled together...


*written August 2*

will i...

will i ever be good enough for you...

will i ever love enough...

will i ever be right....

will i ever been seen for whats important....

will i ever be worth it...

will i ever be pretty enough for you...

will i ever know your love...

will i ever be comfortable with you...

.....will you ever notice me......

will i always be alone...

will i ever i love "me"...

will i ever see you again...

will i ever smell you again...

will i ever feel you again...

will i ever hold you again...

will i be missed...

will i be understood

will i be remembered...

will i be loved...

will i be carried or left behind...

will i... thats the question

† Peace&Love ☮

*Written July 16*


im sorry I wasn’t what you expected,
im sorry I was different…
I really didn’t mean to be, I just meant to be me
Im sorry that’s not what you wanted
Im sorry if I lead you on to something different
Im sorry if I hurt you in the end

If I only knew what she had
What made her stand out
Then I could understand
What you see in her…

I know im not her
Never will be
But im just curious what it is
What she has

If just for a day,
I could see what you see in her
Then I could see what you don’t see in me

Just for that moment
I think I could understand

…So many unanswered questions…
Maybe some would find answers,
If I just had that day…

Guess I never will
Unanswered questions shall remain
One day though…
I WILL make sense of it…
Until then, im left wondering…

Ill always be here if and when you wanna talk,
Ill always have a special place for you
Until we talk, there will remain a hole for you…
& yes, im still hurting
but ill make it…im still worried about you though

so I guess im not her
what you see in her is a mystery
but if your happy, im happy…

just wish I saw what you did so I could see what you don’t see in me…

*written August 17*


Why did I do this…

I never meant to hurt you…

That’s the last thing I would do,

Im sorry


I feel like ive ruined it..

Any friendship we could have ever had..


Im scared…

I need you…

U are the only one who understands..

I have so many questions

I guess they’ll stay questions until I find another to answer or I answer them myself

Again, Im so sorry


If I had known, I would have stopped…long ago



Why do I always do this…

Too much, to quick

Walls down that should have never come down

Theyre up now, 3x as tall and thick..

I know u would never hurt me with what u know, but im still scared


I always manage to do this

I did exactly what I didn’t want to…


Now im left here feelin like an ass

Boy was I wrong, I actually thought all was ok


I hadn’t a clue I was messin up


It was already to late I guess


Apologies I can give

Wont change what I did

I hurt u

…im sorry


*August 4*

Something to Remember Me

Something to Remember Me


In the dark hours when you 're alone

And the world is far away,

Go back in time and you will find,

Something to remember me.


When you 're in a crowd

And the world is loud,

Go back in time and you will find,

Something to remember me.


Take hold of that picture

Cross that memory,

Find something to remember me.


When you sing a song

Or walk alone,

And the night is dark and still,

Take hold of my words,

All those you've heard,

Find something to remember me.


Take hold of that picture

Cross that memory,

Find something to remember me.


In the peaceful hours when you 're alone

And the world is quiet and still,

Take hold of my words,

All those you've heard,

Find something to remember me.