I discovered something last night. As I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, something told me to turn off my music. Seems simple enough, right? Well not so much to me.
You see, my music is my comfort, my safety net if you may. I turn it on every night and sleep with it playing softly from my headboard. It is an every night, every day, ALL day thing.
You see, what I discovered is, I don’t like silence. I don’t know why, but I know it's true. Something about complete & utter silence, terrifies me. I don’t know if it's what I may or may not hear or if it's letting go of the safety net that is my music but I do know that it's holding me back & in some strange way, one of the heaviest burdens on my heart that I hold.
Maybe it's because at that moment, of complete silence, I’m out there, on my own, completely exposed; from my mind to my heart all the way down to my soul. That is extremely scary to me.
As hard as this is for me to admit, I didn’t have the courage or strength to let go of it last night, I just layed there and left my music on. I thought about reaching the SIX inches to the headboard to shut it off but couldn't bring myself to. I just layed there & fought back the tears. I couldn't get past my fear... and for that, I am ashamed.
What’s sad is that I know it's important to be in complete silence at times, it's essential on so many levels. It is also something that I want & want to be able to do... but at this point, I just can't seem to handle it.
Silence strips me of everything & leaves me alone with my heart, my mind, & my soul.
And sadly enough, as I’m writing this, I have my music on.
Some of you may read this and say 'its just music, what's the big deal, roll over & turn it off', but it is so much more than music and I’m embarrassed to say so much harder to me.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
My mom’s aunt is dying. Mom went down to Dallas to see her and essentially say goodbye. Jan has cancer and has really given up, refusing andymore chemo or any other treatment for that matter. She was in the hospital but the doctors sent her home, there’s nothing more they can do. They sent her home to die in comfort.
There is no more helpless feeling than seeing someone you care about give up and submit to death; knowing that’s there’s NOTHING you can do to help them.
I’m home in Arkansas with dad, mom’s on her own in Texas, having to deal with herself and her mother, Jan’s sister. Mom has little support there, there is some other family in town but still; I think it would be better if dad could have gone.
This afternoon, Wednesday- July 28, mom text me. She told me that Jan is really sick, not doing well at all and they don’t think she will make it to tomorrow and that Jan said she loved me. That last bit tears me up; she loves me…really, wow. I hardly have talked to her in the last year and barely saw her at all… maybe once every few years. To see that someone who only has few breaths, words, left took the time to use those words to tell me, me of all people, that she loves me… it kills me. It also reminds me of some things we all need to remember; we gotta make sure people know how we feel about the, tell them you care and love them. Do it now, you never truly know when you’ll get another chance. Another thing, love has no bounds, no matter if you talk to them every day or only every now and then, they still care about and love you, never forget that.
It’s sad that it takes death and circumstances such as that to bring people together and bring out the loving words and reminders.
Death has always intrigued me, but more so the things that are brought to the surface because of death. I have mixed feelings on it; it’s sad in one sense but very joyful & peaceful in another, you’re finally free once death comes.
*aunt Jan died Thursday afternoon, July 29, 2010*
*aunt Jan died Thursday afternoon, July 29, 2010*
Friday, July 23, 2010
no one understands. i want to believe someone does, but i just dont. no one gets it, i dont even myself. i wish i could explain, i wish i felt like someone remotely got it, then i could talk to them but they just dont. this feeling, i cant explain it even if i could i dont really feel like you'd understand. never have i felt like this, this pain... longing... draining... hurt... lost... this alone. what's changed, i dont really know. i felt like i was doing better, or trying too. but as of late, its gettin worse than it ever has been. it drains me to just think about, & actually produces physical pain. i went to a concert last night, a concert that could potentially change my life. it was the first time i just let go for a moment, but at the same time there were tears begging to fall throughout the whole set... tears that are still wanting to fall at this moment, almost 24hrs later. i dont know what happened, if things just hit close to home or i just had realizations or what, but i do know that i realized that feeling like this for much longer is not an option. there was one point last night where one song, one moment, a mere 4ish minutes that im still thinking about & cant get off my heart... at that point something clicked.
there is so much weight on my heart right now, physical pain that i cant fix... it needs to be relieved.
no one understands the way i feel, no one gets it... it's okay i guess. i just dont want to be forgotten, left... hung out to dry. please dont give up on me. help me. give me someone to talk too, just listen...
Saturday, July 10, 2010
It’s been sixty-five days.
…To tell the truth, at this point, not much.
More than likely, that’s my fault
I’m about the same place I was when I started
Gaining more knowledge,
Along with it, more scars
65 days since I started something new
Since I started over
I guess I didn’t really truly start over
Just proceeded with a new emotion
Do I feel different?
Honestly, maybe a little
But not much
I want to, but I refuse to lie to myself and others and say yes
I am trying
I am moving, not sure in what direction but I am moving
65 days ago I made a decision, a decision that did and will change my life
A lifelong decision, a never-ending decision,
A decision that will be with me for the rest of my life…
A decision only I could make
Sixty-five days ago
Thursday, July 8, 2010
dear boy. you broke my heart. you probably dont even know, thats okay. i suppose its better that way. im the best friend, thats all i am. just know that when she breaks your heart, ill be there... holding you, with a shoulder to lean on. ill always be there. ill always love you, no matter how much pain you bring to my heart. know that every minute spent with you brings me joy & a smile on my darkest days... they are the best days yet the hardest at the same time. having you right in front of me yet knowing i cant have you, kills me. you will always have my heart & i know one day you'll hold me, if not because im 'the girl' then just because he broke my heart & i need to be held. boy, i love you & always will, no matter what. know that ill never blame you for the pain caused on your account. you are the first thing i think about when i wake up & the last when i shut my eyes.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
...you look at me because i’m different, he smiles because i’m unique…
...you judge because i’m not like everyone, he loves because i’m the only ‘me’…
...you point out my faults, he admires his work…
...you judge because of my mistakes, he washes them away…
...you poke at my weaknesses, he uses them to force dependence & strength…
...you draw tears from my eyes, he wipes them away…
...you tell me i’m not good enough, he says i’m just right…
...you tell me if wouldn’t matter if i wasn’t here, he says the world would never be the same without me…
...you want me to conform, he wants me to stand out…
Thursday, July 1, 2010
powerade slush’s from sonic
sitting in the dark
the word gherkin
driving... windows down, air off, music crankin
making you smile
country nights, with no city lights or sounds
an open road
late night talks on the porch
my mums phone
religion… don’t be confused on this one.
letting you down
i BELIEVE IN:
lying just a little
living as ONE
protection… guard your heart and well being
finding people you'd give your life for & doing so
loveing each other