I discovered something last night. As I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, something told me to turn off my music. Seems simple enough, right? Well not so much to me.
You see, my music is my comfort, my safety net if you may. I turn it on every night and sleep with it playing softly from my headboard. It is an every night, every day, ALL day thing.
You see, what I discovered is, I don’t like silence. I don’t know why, but I know it's true. Something about complete & utter silence, terrifies me. I don’t know if it's what I may or may not hear or if it's letting go of the safety net that is my music but I do know that it's holding me back & in some strange way, one of the heaviest burdens on my heart that I hold.
Maybe it's because at that moment, of complete silence, I’m out there, on my own, completely exposed; from my mind to my heart all the way down to my soul. That is extremely scary to me.
As hard as this is for me to admit, I didn’t have the courage or strength to let go of it last night, I just layed there and left my music on. I thought about reaching the SIX inches to the headboard to shut it off but couldn't bring myself to. I just layed there & fought back the tears. I couldn't get past my fear... and for that, I am ashamed.
What’s sad is that I know it's important to be in complete silence at times, it's essential on so many levels. It is also something that I want & want to be able to do... but at this point, I just can't seem to handle it.
Silence strips me of everything & leaves me alone with my heart, my mind, & my soul.
And sadly enough, as I’m writing this, I have my music on.
Some of you may read this and say 'its just music, what's the big deal, roll over & turn it off', but it is so much more than music and I’m embarrassed to say so much harder to me.