Music = survival

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Friday, October 30, 2009


You see a smile
I see pain
You hear joy
I hear sorrow
You hear a laugh
I hear a cover
You hear "I'm ok"
I hear "I'm hurting"

You see me
But don't REALLY see me
You hear me
But don't really listen

I mask
You don't dig
Will you still love
When you see past the mask...
Will you ever even see underneath

A smile
A laugh
A mask
...Cover up
The pain
The secrets
The sorrow

No tears will fall
No pain will be dealt
Masks continue to pile on
And I shall speak but two words...
"I'm ok"

One day these two, short words may be true, just maybe...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

My Heart

O how I wish I lived near my best friends. I really need them, I mean I know they’re just a call or text away, but sometimes I need them here, to hug and hold.  Sometimes them or I just need a hug, that virtual hug only goes so far.  I mean the people I care most about live hundreds of miles away.  I have friends here, but not many that know me and my ‘other’ side, most of my best friends live in another state, yes I said ‘best friends’, I have more than one…  I love them with all my heart and would do anything and everything for them.  I would drive hours upon hours for them if I needed too.  I just wish I could be closer to them.  I really need my hugs from my fish...we've become so much more connected lately, i love her so much and really wish i could just maker her ok. My m-0w, how i miss this chick, im convinced that we are related, she is the best, and rivals fish for the best hugs that you never wanna let end and then theres my music & late night roomy C, this girl has been with me for the past 4 or 5 years, we've grown WAY closer in the last year or two, love her.  Then there's my ever so brilliant, advice spitting Benny, so wise and always knows just what to say, i love you dear.   I miss momma k, I need to be able to talk to her and just unload I guess.  How I absolutely adore coach, this man is truly amazing. He tries to be hard, but he’s a softie, don’t let him fool you.  Such a caring and sweet guy, he really is like another father to me.  And coach k, o what to say.  We have become so much closer as of late.  To think the first time I met her, I was terrified of her... not sure why, but I was.  I love and really admire her so much.  She helps me way more than she will ever know.  Why must these people live so far away…I think they are the ones I need the most to be close.   I need them here; maybe I should just leave and move closer.  I don’t know, I am just so glad I have them in my life, actually my team as a whole, but these just stand out the most.  I know they are always here for me. We can go months without seeing each other and still be like it’s only been a day since we’ve seen one another. 

"you meet people who forget you. you forget people you meet. but sometimes you meet those people you can't forget. those are your 'friends'.

"a true friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future and accepts you today just the way you are"

"a true friend is one soul and two bodies"

"true friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable"

Words Escape Me...

Why can’t I fix this
I don’t know what to say
I don’t know what to do
Frustrating, I can help so many people
But the one who means the most, I cant...
Just cant find the rights words
You mean so much to me and I can’t take away your pain
I’m sorry
I’m trying, but I just don’t know what else to do
I’m tryin to be strong for you
I’m trying to make you feel better
Trying to make you ok
I’m not sure how I’m doing; don’t think I’m doing very good right now
Just wish I knew the words to say
Just to make you ok
I need you to be ok
You’re such an amazing person
Always here for me
Always with a smile
Just know, ill do whatever I can to get you through this
Ill try to keep a smile on your face
Not gonna guarantee there wont be more tears, in fact, I know there will be
But just know ill always be here for you
Even if I just listen, I’m here
Rain or shine, shitty day or not…anytime, day or night…I’m here.
I love you <3

Saturday, October 24, 2009


Sitting here tonight listening to all the reviews of the movie and how awesome and amazing and captivating it was has got me thinking about the purpose of ones life.   I mean, in my mind everyone was put here with a purpose in life, whether that purpose is predetermined or you create it on your own depends on what u believe.  I can honestly say though that I think that Chad, Ryan, MB, Joey, and Justin were put here to help others through their difficulties using their own past troubles and encounters.  I no longer feel as alone, I no longer feel as isolated, I know there are others out there that have experienced things similar to me and without these people and all the members of the ‘Nation, I would still feel all alone and isolated with no one to turn to.  You guys truly are amazing, I have yet to even meet these people, nor have I seen the movie, but already I’m affected.  I can only imagine how much I will be once I meet them and also once I view this masterpiece of a movie and personal journey they each embarked on.  Thanks to all of you guys for what you do and have gone through, from the bottom of my heart, I truly appreciate it and have nothing but love and respect for all of you.

The question arises now… since we all have this purpose, what is mine… I mean, I think its predetermined, but I also think it can change and evolve, but honestly, I’m not seeing mine.  I mean, I wanna help people, but I’m not seeing how or which way to go… I’m just trying to survive at this point and take it one day at a time.  I keep hoping something will jump up and hit me in the face so to speak or I’ll suddenly see what my life is supposed to be like and which way to go, maybe its already here, maybe I’m just over looking it, not seeing what’s right in front of me, I just don’t know.  I just want my life to have meant something, whether that be something small or big, I don’t care, I just don’t wanna mess it up… I want my friends to at least remember me and say, ‘well she tried and did the best she could, or she helped me along the way…’ I just wanna know what I’m supposed to be doing, or at least a clue.  Those of you that have gotten to know me, know that I’m impatient, so all of this just sitting back and not really waiting, but not seeing things developing is really getting to me…I’m just tired of feeling like I’m not accomplishing anything and getting anywhere. 

I can see other people’s purposes and journeys evolving and growing, but I honestly can’t see my own and that’s frustrating to me.  The purpose of ones life is important and should be, in my eyes, a journey, not always a clear path or road, not always easy, but it is these curves & hills and troubles & battles that make the journey that much sweeter once you reach the end.  I want that feeling at the end that I did all I was supposed to & could and that I helped or affected other peoples lives in a positive way, whether that be them learning from my mistakes or words, as long as they come out better, that’s all that matters.  I make mistakes so that not only I, but so that you can learn from them as well and grow because what is life but a bunch of choices, some good, some bad… but as long as you learn & move forward, the bad ones are worth it in my eyes at least.


Wednesday, October 21, 2009


These tears I shed are for you
Your emotions raging in me
Your feelings become mine
You pain, now mine
All inside, I take it all in…away from you

Why am I sad
Why am I hurting
Why all this pain

I’m hurting for you
I’m crying for you
I’m taking your hurt
Your fear
Your worry

You don’t even know it I’m sure
That’s ok
You don’t need to, as long as yours eases
I’m ok with it

I can’t do this forever
I want to, but I cant
It is going to get me one day
It will kill me
I know it

I do it
I try to take it away
So that you hurt no more
These tears continue to fall
This heart continues to ache
They will until your ok
Just let me take it from you…please 


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

You Light Mine & I'll Light Yours

When the world runs out, when u feel alone, when no ones there
Just know, I will be. I'm here for you forever
I'll take away your worries, ill take away your fears. 
I can't promise ill get it right, I can’t promise I’ll take it fast
But I will do everything in my power to help ease you and your troubles

If I always knew the words to say I could take away your fears, pain, and worries
...I don't, but ill try until your ok.

I'm always here for you, even if you can’t see me, I’m here
Just a call, a text, a thought away...
I feel your pain, I feel your worry
From miles away, I feel you.

When I’m down, you know
As hard as I try to hide it, you can tell
You make me smile, so when you’re hurting
I'll make you smile, ill take your pain.

I continue on because I know I need to make you ok
I carry on b/c it’s the only choice I have
I carry on for you, I carry on for them
Just must keep going no matter what…remember that.

"Time waits for no one... Treasure every moment you have... Remember... Hold on tight to the ones you Love..."

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


Begin rant
-ok, so... where do people get off thinkin that they determine if im goin to Heaven or Hell?  Just because of the type of music I listen to isn’t something you like or ‘approve’ of does not mean I’m goin to hell. Im not listening to the music for your benefit, nor am I seeking your approval.   Just because i cuss, does not mean im goin to hell.  Ill b the first to admit, Ive got a sailors mouth, im tryin to clean it up & i pretty much limit it to certain places, but yes i slip... Im sorry.  Still doesnt tell me why you think your gonna determine my fate, last time i checked, that wasnt up to you.  People judge way to much, by judging me arent you doin exactly the same thing we as Christians arent supposed to do?(Romans 2:1-3) I know ive made my share of mistakes & will continue to im sure, but that doesnt mean im any less of a good person than you .  Im workin on the cussing people, but lets face it, i know i will always cuss to some extent, it might get better, maybe even worse, but im trying. And, my music, yea, its not goin anywhere, ill listen to what i want to listen to, i listen to it all, just because its not all 'faith' music doesnt mean a thing, again... Last time i checked, its not up to you to determine my fate!  :)
Side note, just because I don’t go to “church” does not mean im any less than you, I don’t need to go to a building to chat, I don’t need the ‘social’ experience, as in mu eyes church, at least around here, has become.  It has become something people do to go see friends and let me tell you, they are a closed off group, many not accepting of others AT ALL.  So I choose to do my chats one on one and not be looked at for being new, don’t judge me because I don’t go to your building to do so.
End rant


What is it with people & the issue of just keeping your mouth shut. Learn when to just shut up.  You end up makin yourself look like an even bigger j.a. & not to mention, your maturity level drops majorly. You dont need to stick your nose into other situations & keep drawing them out. Also, talking about people behind their back is shallow, but it's especially shallow when what your blabbing about isn't even true.  If your gonna talk about someone, say it to their face & make sure whats coming out of your mouth is true.  Just listen for once, take it all in, (here’s the important part) THINK, then speak or don't.

Friday, October 9, 2009

If You Only Knew

If you only knew
Knew the pain
In my head
My heart
My soul

It hurts
I hurt
I hurt for you
I hurt for them
I hurt for me

I try to just smile
I try, very hard
You know what
I’m tired

I’m tired of pretending
I can’t take much more
I’m not even sure I can take any at all

I’m slowly dying
Dying inside
My soul is going
Faster and faster

My heart
My poor heart
It’s done
The last real beats are gone
Just going through the motions now

I’m done
I’m done trying
I’m done hurting
Well, that’s a lie, I will always hurt
I’m just done caring
Just accepting the pain now

I’m certainly done hurting people
I’m gonna be the one who makes them smile
I’m gonna light their way
My darkest day will be their brightest
And I’m ok with that
As long as they are ok
That’s all that matters

Just maybe one day you will see my pain
Then you might just say you’re sorry
For all you say
No matter what people have
They can be the most unhappy
They can still hurt, a lot
One day you will realize this
I just hope
It’s not too late…

just listen...then think...then, hopefully, act

Please dont assume you know whats goin in peoples dont. Just because they look happy or can smile through it all doesnt mean they're not hurting...a smile can mask a lot from so many.

Dont waste a day, give people a reason to smile, give them a hug, show them some never know how much it truly means to them. Good day or bad, people always need some love & most definatly a hug.

Make sure people feel that love you have for them, make sure you tell them what they mean to you, make sure you have kind things to say, your words could help or hurt way more than you even know.

And please don't ever take your family or friends for granted. We are all truly on borrowed time and never really know when that time will be up. Always tell 'em you love them and spend as much time with them as ya can. I promise you won't regret it in the end, it will totally be worth it.

Try to remember, no matter how happy someone looks, there could be so much pain inside they're masking, do you really want to risk it, not knowing if it is you who can save them from that pain, if only for a minute, or will you just let that opportunity pass you by...?

It can be so simple to brighten someones day, small things do wonders, give it a shot...

"Laugh a little longer & love a little deeper"


Here We Go Again

So here we are again
Same process
Same stupidity
Probably same ending
...Different name

Can’t believe I let myself do this again
What was I thinking
Why didn’t I learn

More people hurt
It weighs on me
I didn’t want this
We don’t need this

I need to just not let it run
I let it go
And it runs to far
Shorter leash?
Nah, don’t even need to let it go at all
Stay with me forever, inside... never run again

But, yet I’ve done it again
Pain I’ve caused
I can’t mend it
I can’t fix any of this

So again I’m left waiting
How bad did I mess up now
Is there even a future
Is it all gone…over
I’m still hoping
There could be a happy ending
But I’m not optimistic
All I can do is wait, hope, wonder and pray

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


Humanity... you continue to let me down.  I lose more faith in you everyday, I really wish you would prove me wrong, but again, you never do, your always a let down, one after another.   I don’t understand you; how you can do the things you do to the people you do them to.    How can people who are supposed to be there for you and you should be able to trust, just all of the sudden change, maybe they don’t change, maybe we’re just blind to it because we don’t want to see it.   Why do I not listen to myself... I throw out my instincts because I shouldn’t have had to worry about this from you of all people.  You are not what you claim to be, I was beginning to trust you, and I feel like a fool for it.   People are so two faced, they just act whichever way will make them liked or get them into a group of people.  They set out to gain the trust and love of others and then just end up doing what they set out to do, hurt people. Why in the world would you set out to hurt others, why?  People ask me why I don’t trust, this is why… I trust and I’m let down, time and time again.

I don’t understand humanity… what goes through someone’s head when they speak and do things… where in there says, ‘yup, this is ok’?  I don’t think I will ever know the answer to this, but it still baffles me and frankly gives me a headache.  I understand stupid mistakes, but conscious decisions…no, I don’t get those.

To many times people want to make a judge on age and tie that to maturity, I’m sorry, age is just a number and has nothing to do with maturity... trust me. I spend most of my life around people 2 and 3 times my age and can honestly say that they are a lot less mature than I am and act like fools and I swear they don’t think before they speak and just try to stir things up.   Don’t get me wrong, you should be able to say how you feel, but you should be censored as to how you say and handle situations and please get your facts straight before you talk about things… you just come off as ignorant and a real J.A.  

Again, humanity has let me down… maybe I should lower my expectations, maybe I think to much of you... I don’t know.  I do know that I’m just going to stop hoping for it to change and if it happens, then awesome, but most likely, it won’t.  Ill keep being me and doing things right, at least right in my eyes.  Just please, please, please think before you speak and do things... take into consideration others and the consequences of your words and what picture they paint of you.


Monday, October 5, 2009


Open your eyes to whats in front of you
Take it all in
Don't be scared
Look past the outter level
Look deep inside

What do u see

Is it more than the initial
Something deeper
More meaningful

Don't back off till u give it a chance
Ya never know
Might work

Maybe someday you'll try
Lose that fear
Look past the boundaries
Let yourself run free
Free to hear
Sense it all
Then you may truly see
See more than what others do

So take it all in
Give it a chance
You might just be suprised...

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Just Can't Shake It

i just can't shake this. i was in Dallas this weekend, well, on my way home i passed this horrible wreck, actually there were a few all within a small distance.  i mean, ive seen a ton of wrecks and yes they are all bad and i always feel for them and worry.. but it had been a while since ive seen one this bad.  Multiply cars, horrible damage, emergency vehicle after emergency vehicle... i just can't shake it.

im trying my best to distract my mind and just think positive and say there's nothing i could have done, but its eating away at me. i close my eyes and see it, i hear the sounds i heard.. i think it might be getting to me because it is very similar to some wrecks that have claimed the lives of people that i care about...

i dont know, im not sure what to do, i mean, i said a prayer for them, and continue to hope the best, but i should be able to shake this, its frustrating that i can't... 

i need to let it go, but again, i just can't seem to... i need the mental pictures out of my mind, i need the similarities gone, please just leave

im terrified that when i try to sleep tonight, ill close my eyes and see it all again...

im sorry, i just had to get this down


Friday, October 2, 2009

Mistakes Creep Up

How could I let this happen
So few words
So much emotion
Driving me to think
Your solution creeps up
So quick…all would be gone
If only temporary
.. ..
My stomach turns
How could I even consider it
Let you all down
Everyday I think of you
You saved my life
Then all could be gone like that
All that work
Gone in a few seconds
I’m scared
How could I even think about it
.. ..
One year, fifty-seven days
One year, one month, twenty-four days
Four hundred  twenty-two days
Gone in a flash
.. ..
I’m sorry I even thought about it
I’m sorry if I let you down
I’m trying, really I am
I’m just sorry
.. ..