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Saturday, October 24, 2009


Sitting here tonight listening to all the reviews of the movie and how awesome and amazing and captivating it was has got me thinking about the purpose of ones life.   I mean, in my mind everyone was put here with a purpose in life, whether that purpose is predetermined or you create it on your own depends on what u believe.  I can honestly say though that I think that Chad, Ryan, MB, Joey, and Justin were put here to help others through their difficulties using their own past troubles and encounters.  I no longer feel as alone, I no longer feel as isolated, I know there are others out there that have experienced things similar to me and without these people and all the members of the ‘Nation, I would still feel all alone and isolated with no one to turn to.  You guys truly are amazing, I have yet to even meet these people, nor have I seen the movie, but already I’m affected.  I can only imagine how much I will be once I meet them and also once I view this masterpiece of a movie and personal journey they each embarked on.  Thanks to all of you guys for what you do and have gone through, from the bottom of my heart, I truly appreciate it and have nothing but love and respect for all of you.

The question arises now… since we all have this purpose, what is mine… I mean, I think its predetermined, but I also think it can change and evolve, but honestly, I’m not seeing mine.  I mean, I wanna help people, but I’m not seeing how or which way to go… I’m just trying to survive at this point and take it one day at a time.  I keep hoping something will jump up and hit me in the face so to speak or I’ll suddenly see what my life is supposed to be like and which way to go, maybe its already here, maybe I’m just over looking it, not seeing what’s right in front of me, I just don’t know.  I just want my life to have meant something, whether that be something small or big, I don’t care, I just don’t wanna mess it up… I want my friends to at least remember me and say, ‘well she tried and did the best she could, or she helped me along the way…’ I just wanna know what I’m supposed to be doing, or at least a clue.  Those of you that have gotten to know me, know that I’m impatient, so all of this just sitting back and not really waiting, but not seeing things developing is really getting to me…I’m just tired of feeling like I’m not accomplishing anything and getting anywhere. 

I can see other people’s purposes and journeys evolving and growing, but I honestly can’t see my own and that’s frustrating to me.  The purpose of ones life is important and should be, in my eyes, a journey, not always a clear path or road, not always easy, but it is these curves & hills and troubles & battles that make the journey that much sweeter once you reach the end.  I want that feeling at the end that I did all I was supposed to & could and that I helped or affected other peoples lives in a positive way, whether that be them learning from my mistakes or words, as long as they come out better, that’s all that matters.  I make mistakes so that not only I, but so that you can learn from them as well and grow because what is life but a bunch of choices, some good, some bad… but as long as you learn & move forward, the bad ones are worth it in my eyes at least.


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