Blind

You see a smile

I see pain

You hear joy

I hear sorrow

You hear a laugh

I hear a cover

You hear "I'm ok"

I hear "I'm hurting"

You see me

But don't REALLY see me

You hear me

But don't really listen

I mask

You don't dig

Will you still love

When you see past the mask...

Will you ever even see underneath

A smile

A laugh

A mask

...Cover up

The pain

The secrets

The sorrow

But

No tears will fall

No pain will be dealt

Masks continue to pile on

And I shall speak but two words...

"I'm ok"

One day these two, short words may be true, just maybe...

My Heart

O how I wish I lived near my best friends. I really need them, I mean I know they’re just a call or text away, but sometimes I need them here, to hug and hold.  Sometimes them or I just need a hug, that virtual hug only goes so far.  I mean the people I care most about live hundreds of miles away.  I have friends here, but not many that know me and my ‘other’ side, most of my best friends live in another state, yes I said ‘best friends’, I have more than one…  I love them with all my heart and would do anything and everything for them.  I would drive hours upon hours for them if I needed too.  I just wish I could be closer to them.  I really need my hugs from my fish...we've become so much more connected lately, i love her so much and really wish i could just maker her ok. My m-0w, how i miss this chick, im convinced that we are related, she is the best, and rivals fish for the best hugs that you never wanna let end and then theres my music & late night roomy C, this girl has been with me for the past 4 or 5 years, we've grown WAY closer in the last year or two, love her.  Then there's my ever so brilliant, advice spitting Benny, so wise and always knows just what to say, i love you dear.   I miss momma k, I need to be able to talk to her and just unload I guess.  How I absolutely adore coach, this man is truly amazing. He tries to be hard, but he’s a softie, don’t let him fool you.  Such a caring and sweet guy, he really is like another father to me.  And coach k, o what to say.  We have become so much closer as of late.  To think the first time I met her, I was terrified of her... not sure why, but I was.  I love and really admire her so much.  She helps me way more than she will ever know.  Why must these people live so far away…I think they are the ones I need the most to be close.   I need them here; maybe I should just leave and move closer.  I don’t know, I am just so glad I have them in my life, actually my team as a whole, but these just stand out the most.  I know they are always here for me. We can go months without seeing each other and still be like it’s only been a day since we’ve seen one another. 


"you meet people who forget you. you forget people you meet. but sometimes you meet those people you can't forget. those are your 'friends'.


"a true friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future and accepts you today just the way you are"


"a true friend is one soul and two bodies"


"true friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable"

Words Escape Me...

Why can’t I fix this

I don’t know what to say

I don’t know what to do

Frustrating, I can help so many people

But the one who means the most, I cant...

Just cant find the rights words

You mean so much to me and I can’t take away your pain

I’m sorry

I’m trying, but I just don’t know what else to do

I’m tryin to be strong for you

I’m trying to make you feel better

Trying to make you ok

I’m not sure how I’m doing; don’t think I’m doing very good right now

Just wish I knew the words to say

Just to make you ok

I need you to be ok

You’re such an amazing person

Always here for me

Always with a smile

Just know, ill do whatever I can to get you through this

Ill try to keep a smile on your face

Not gonna guarantee there wont be more tears, in fact, I know there will be

But just know ill always be here for you

Even if I just listen, I’m here

Rain or shine, shitty day or not…anytime, day or night…I’m here.

I love you <3

Life

Sitting here tonight listening to all the reviews of the movie and how awesome and amazing and captivating it was has got me thinking about the purpose of ones life.   I mean, in my mind everyone was put here with a purpose in life, whether that purpose is predetermined or you create it on your own depends on what u believe.  I can honestly say though that I think that Chad, Ryan, MB, Joey, and Justin were put here to help others through their difficulties using their own past troubles and encounters.  I no longer feel as alone, I no longer feel as isolated, I know there are others out there that have experienced things similar to me and without these people and all the members of the ‘Nation, I would still feel all alone and isolated with no one to turn to.  You guys truly are amazing, I have yet to even meet these people, nor have I seen the movie, but already I’m affected.  I can only imagine how much I will be once I meet them and also once I view this masterpiece of a movie and personal journey they each embarked on.  Thanks to all of you guys for what you do and have gone through, from the bottom of my heart, I truly appreciate it and have nothing but love and respect for all of you.

The question arises now… since we all have this purpose, what is mine… I mean, I think its predetermined, but I also think it can change and evolve, but honestly, I’m not seeing mine.  I mean, I wanna help people, but I’m not seeing how or which way to go… I’m just trying to survive at this point and take it one day at a time.  I keep hoping something will jump up and hit me in the face so to speak or I’ll suddenly see what my life is supposed to be like and which way to go, maybe its already here, maybe I’m just over looking it, not seeing what’s right in front of me, I just don’t know.  I just want my life to have meant something, whether that be something small or big, I don’t care, I just don’t wanna mess it up… I want my friends to at least remember me and say, ‘well she tried and did the best she could, or she helped me along the way…’ I just wanna know what I’m supposed to be doing, or at least a clue.  Those of you that have gotten to know me, know that I’m impatient, so all of this just sitting back and not really waiting, but not seeing things developing is really getting to me…I’m just tired of feeling like I’m not accomplishing anything and getting anywhere. 

I can see other people’s purposes and journeys evolving and growing, but I honestly can’t see my own and that’s frustrating to me.  The purpose of ones life is important and should be, in my eyes, a journey, not always a clear path or road, not always easy, but it is these curves & hills and troubles & battles that make the journey that much sweeter once you reach the end.  I want that feeling at the end that I did all I was supposed to & could and that I helped or affected other peoples lives in a positive way, whether that be them learning from my mistakes or words, as long as they come out better, that’s all that matters.  I make mistakes so that not only I, but so that you can learn from them as well and grow because what is life but a bunch of choices, some good, some bad… but as long as you learn & move forward, the bad ones are worth it in my eyes at least.

MuchLove 

tears

These tears I shed are for you

Your emotions raging in me

Your feelings become mine

You pain, now mine

All inside, I take it all in…away from you

Why am I sad

Why am I hurting

Why all this pain

I’m hurting for you

I’m crying for you

I’m taking your hurt
Your fear
Your worry

You don’t even know it I’m sure

That’s ok

You don’t need to, as long as yours eases

I’m ok with it

I can’t do this forever

I want to, but I cant

It is going to get me one day

It will kill me

I know it

Nonetheless

I do it

I try to take it away

So that you hurt no more

These tears continue to fall

This heart continues to ache

They will until your ok

Just let me take it from you…please 

<3

You Light Mine & I'll Light Yours

When the world runs out, when u feel alone, when no ones there

Just know, I will be. I'm here for you forever

I'll take away your worries, ill take away your fears. 

I can't promise ill get it right, I can’t promise I’ll take it fast

But I will do everything in my power to help ease you and your troubles

If I always knew the words to say I could take away your fears, pain, and worries

...I don't, but ill try until your ok.

I'm always here for you, even if you can’t see me, I’m here

Just a call, a text, a thought away...

I feel your pain, I feel your worry

From miles away, I feel you.

When I’m down, you know

As hard as I try to hide it, you can tell

You make me smile, so when you’re hurting

I'll make you smile, ill take your pain.

I continue on because I know I need to make you ok

I carry on b/c it’s the only choice I have

I carry on for you, I carry on for them

Just must keep going no matter what…remember that.

"Time waits for no one... Treasure every moment you have... Remember... Hold on tight to the ones you Love..."

TWO RANTS… ☺

1^ST RANT

Begin rant

-ok, so... where do people get off thinkin that they determine if im goin to Heaven or Hell?  Just because of the type of music I listen to isn’t something you like or ‘approve’ of does not mean I’m goin to hell. Im not listening to the music for your benefit, nor am I seeking your approval.   Just because i cuss, does not mean im goin to hell.  Ill b the first to admit, Ive got a sailors mouth, im tryin to clean it up & i pretty much limit it to certain places, but yes i slip... Im sorry.  Still doesnt tell me why you think your gonna determine my fate, last time i checked, that wasnt up to you.  People judge way to much, by judging me arent you doin exactly the same thing we as Christians arent supposed to do?(Romans 2:1-3) I know ive made my share of mistakes & will continue to im sure, but that doesnt mean im any less of a good person than you .  Im workin on the cussing people, but lets face it, i know i will always cuss to some extent, it might get better, maybe even worse, but im trying. And, my music, yea, its not goin anywhere, ill listen to what i want to listen to, i listen to it all, just because its not all 'faith' music doesnt mean a thing, again... Last time i checked, its not up to you to determine my fate!  :)

Side note, just because I don’t go to “church” does not mean im any less than you, I don’t need to go to a building to chat, I don’t need the ‘social’ experience, as in mu eyes church, at least around here, has become.  It has become something people do to go see friends and let me tell you, they are a closed off group, many not accepting of others AT ALL.  So I choose to do my chats one on one and not be looked at for being new, don’t judge me because I don’t go to your building to do so.

End rant

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2^ND RANT

What is it with people & the issue of just keeping your mouth shut. Learn when to just shut up.  You end up makin yourself look like an even bigger j.a. & not to mention, your maturity level drops majorly. You dont need to stick your nose into other situations & keep drawing them out. Also, talking about people behind their back is shallow, but it's especially shallow when what your blabbing about isn't even true.  If your gonna talk about someone, say it to their face & make sure whats coming out of your mouth is true.  Just listen for once, take it all in, (here’s the important part) THINK, then speak or don't.

If You Only Knew

If you only knew

Knew the pain

In my head

My heart

My soul

In ME

It hurts

I hurt

I hurt for you

I hurt for them

I hurt for me

I try to just smile

I try, very hard

But

You know what

I’m tired

I’m tired of pretending

Faking

Masking

Harboring

I can’t take much more

I’m not even sure I can take any at all

I’m slowly dying

Dying inside

My soul is going

Fading

Faster and faster

My heart

My poor heart

It’s done

The last real beats are gone

Just going through the motions now

I’m done

I’m done trying

I’m done hurting

Well, that’s a lie, I will always hurt

I’m just done caring

Just accepting the pain now

I’m certainly done hurting people

I’m gonna be the one who makes them smile

I’m gonna light their way

My darkest day will be their brightest

And I’m ok with that

As long as they are ok

That’s all that matters

Just maybe one day you will see my pain

Then you might just say you’re sorry

For all you say

Remember,

No matter what people have

They can be the most unhappy

They can still hurt, a lot

One day you will realize this

I just hope

It’s not too late…

just listen...then think...then, hopefully, act

Please dont assume you know whats goin in peoples lives...you dont. Just because they look happy or can smile through it all doesnt mean they're not hurting...a smile can mask a lot from so many.


Dont waste a day, give people a reason to smile, give them a hug, show them some love...you never know how much it truly means to them. Good day or bad, people always need some love & most definatly a hug.


Make sure people feel that love you have for them, make sure you tell them what they mean to you, make sure you have kind things to say, your words could help or hurt way more than you even know.


And please don't ever take your family or friends for granted. We are all truly on borrowed time and never really know when that time will be up. Always tell 'em you love them and spend as much time with them as ya can. I promise you won't regret it in the end, it will totally be worth it.


Try to remember, no matter how happy someone looks, there could be so much pain inside they're masking, do you really want to risk it, not knowing if it is you who can save them from that pain, if only for a minute, or will you just let that opportunity pass you by...?


It can be so simple to brighten someones day, small things do wonders, give it a shot...


"Laugh a little longer & love a little deeper"


MuchLove

Here We Go Again

So here we are again

Same process

Same stupidity

Probably same ending

...Different name

Can’t believe I let myself do this again

What was I thinking

Why didn’t I learn

More people hurt

It weighs on me

I didn’t want this

We don’t need this

I need to just not let it run

I let it go

And it runs to far

Shorter leash?

Nah, don’t even need to let it go at all

Stay with me forever, inside... never run again

But, yet I’ve done it again

Pain I’ve caused

I can’t mend it

I can’t fix any of this

So again I’m left waiting

Watching

Wondering

How bad did I mess up now

Is there even a future

Is it all gone…over

I’m still hoping

There could be a happy ending

But I’m not optimistic

All I can do is wait, hope, wonder and pray

Humanity

Humanity... you continue to let me down.  I lose more faith in you everyday, I really wish you would prove me wrong, but again, you never do, your always a let down, one after another.   I don’t understand you; how you can do the things you do to the people you do them to.    How can people who are supposed to be there for you and you should be able to trust, just all of the sudden change, maybe they don’t change, maybe we’re just blind to it because we don’t want to see it.   Why do I not listen to myself... I throw out my instincts because I shouldn’t have had to worry about this from you of all people.  You are not what you claim to be, I was beginning to trust you, and I feel like a fool for it.   People are so two faced, they just act whichever way will make them liked or get them into a group of people.  They set out to gain the trust and love of others and then just end up doing what they set out to do, hurt people. Why in the world would you set out to hurt others, why?  People ask me why I don’t trust, this is why… I trust and I’m let down, time and time again.

I don’t understand humanity… what goes through someone’s head when they speak and do things… where in there says, ‘yup, this is ok’?  I don’t think I will ever know the answer to this, but it still baffles me and frankly gives me a headache.  I understand stupid mistakes, but conscious decisions…no, I don’t get those.

To many times people want to make a judge on age and tie that to maturity, I’m sorry, age is just a number and has nothing to do with maturity... trust me. I spend most of my life around people 2 and 3 times my age and can honestly say that they are a lot less mature than I am and act like fools and I swear they don’t think before they speak and just try to stir things up.   Don’t get me wrong, you should be able to say how you feel, but you should be censored as to how you say and handle situations and please get your facts straight before you talk about things… you just come off as ignorant and a real J.A.  

Again, humanity has let me down… maybe I should lower my expectations, maybe I think to much of you... I don’t know.  I do know that I’m just going to stop hoping for it to change and if it happens, then awesome, but most likely, it won’t.  Ill keep being me and doing things right, at least right in my eyes.  Just please, please, please think before you speak and do things... take into consideration others and the consequences of your words and what picture they paint of you.

MuchLove

Vision

Open your eyes to whats in front of you
Take it all in
Don't be scared
Look past the outter level
Look deep inside


What do u see
Feel
Touch
Sense


Is it more than the initial
Something deeper
More meaningful


Don't back off till u give it a chance
Ya never know
Might work


Maybe someday you'll try
Lose that fear
Look past the boundaries
Let yourself run free
Free to hear
See
Touch
Sense it all
Then you may truly see
See more than what others do


So take it all in
Give it a chance
You might just be suprised...

Just Can't Shake It

i just can't shake this. i was in Dallas this weekend, well, on my way home i passed this horrible wreck, actually there were a few all within a small distance.  i mean, ive seen a ton of wrecks and yes they are all bad and i always feel for them and worry.. but it had been a while since ive seen one this bad.  Multiply cars, horrible damage, emergency vehicle after emergency vehicle... i just can't shake it.

im trying my best to distract my mind and just think positive and say there's nothing i could have done, but its eating away at me. i close my eyes and see it, i hear the sounds i heard.. i think it might be getting to me because it is very similar to some wrecks that have claimed the lives of people that i care about...

i dont know, im not sure what to do, i mean, i said a prayer for them, and continue to hope the best, but i should be able to shake this, its frustrating that i can't... 

i need to let it go, but again, i just can't seem to... i need the mental pictures out of my mind, i need the similarities gone, please just leave

im terrified that when i try to sleep tonight, ill close my eyes and see it all again...

im sorry, i just had to get this down

MuchLove

Mistakes Creep Up

How could I let this happen

So few words

So much emotion

Driving me to think

Your solution creeps up

So quick…all would be gone

If only temporary

.. ..

My stomach turns

How could I even consider it

Let you all down

Everyday I think of you

You saved my life

Then all could be gone like that

All that work

Pain

Suffering

Mend

Gone in a few seconds

I’m scared

How could I even think about it

.. ..

One year, fifty-seven days

One year, one month, twenty-four days

Four hundred  twenty-two days

Gone in a flash

.. ..

I’m sorry I even thought about it

I’m sorry if I let you down

I’m trying, really I am

I’m just sorry

.. ..