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Wednesday, January 27, 2010

here we mind's runnin again

layin here, awake, thinkin…

i wonder whats goin on
why now
whats it mean
why is it so hard to find the words when other times they flow so freely, why is it so hard to speak
why is it so hard to just listen
what is this life about
am i doin it right
is it worth it
what am i suposed to be doin anyways
why does my head work like this
why do i let it get the best of me
what about my heart
why cant i seem to shut it off for my own sake
i feel like im just goin through the motions & that scares me, i dont want that…

side note, and ive asked this a hundred times & i know ill never get an answer, but why why WHY do people continue to feel the need to judge solely on appearance or background, surface traits, i just dont get it. your hurtin so many people, including yourself when you do this…i just dont understand why others are so hard on one another, we’re hard enough on ourselves, we really dont need the judgment of others, especially that of those really close to you or those that dont even know you because let me tell you this, as much as a person says they dont care what people think or it doesnt effect them, it does…a lot, more than they themselves even understand & admit. and while im at it on the judging topic, lets cover the church thing again, i dont need a building, im no less of a person because of this. i dont need the judgment & clickiness that seems to come with the people there. its a very closed off group usually, not accepting of the new people trying to come in. and far too often it seems to be more about the social experience, not really the purpise if i understand this right. so, i choose to spare myself the judgment & choose to do my chats one on one from my place wherever & whenever i want & need to, the freedom of not needing that building is quite liberating actually…

ok, sorry, got side tracked, mini sorta rant/vent/question i guess…back to my mind & its thoughts…

why am i so scared of all this
why do i fear when i know i shouldnt
why do i allow my own thoughts to torture & terrify me…

there are probably 3 people in this world i trust with it all
i tell them more than i even think i should
it scares me how easy it flows out once i get goin with them, i really dont trust at all so the fact that i do say so much, terrifys me…
im terrified that you’re gonna leave, just be gone.
after all this, after finally feeling like i can just talk & trust, suddenly you’ll just walk out, i cant handle that
im finally feeling like im not alone, that i really do have a someone who understands & can help
promise me, you’ll never leave, never walk out on me…im so scared its gonna happen

i always talk about the purpose of life or ones life & i honestly dont have a clue as to what that is anymore
i wish i did or just some small idea
i mean i feel like i can see other peoples & its all so clear, but yet too mine i see nothing
I’m just tired of feeling like I’m not accomplishing anything and getting anywhere…or as soon as i do i end up farther back than i started
i just want it to be worth something, to have had a point & to have meant somethin…
people always say well they got tomorrow to make it count but really, you dont know you do, tomorrow’s not really guaranteed ya know

to me, the purpose of ones life is important and should be, in my eyes, a journey, not always a clear path or road, not always easy, but it is these curves & hills and troubles & battles that make the journey that much sweeter once you reach the end of this life…i dont know

i think about what im doin for other people, is it enough..i wanna say yes, but i cant, im not so sure
i wanna believe that they’ll be ok & in turn i will be too but i just cant as much as i want too…
i really just want to make sure everyones ok & i feel like im losin any ability i ever had to do that
im not lyin when i say i just want to make you smile & take your pain n worry, i really do & would if i could…

im just, i dont even know, im at a point where im so confused, frazzled & frustrated that i dont even know which ways up or which way to go…
i feel like im askin to many questions & thinkin too much, makin it all more complicated than it really is, but its just my mind goes a 100mph all the time, it really is my own worse enemy.

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