Me

Who am I

I am simple yet complex

I am lover and a fighter

I am unique yet the same

I am me

I am who I am

I am in only child by blood

But I have many siblings, they’re just called friends in your eyes

They are here for me through it all

I am not as tough as I seem

I have a soft side rarely seen

I have walls, very high

They fall, I get hurt, they come back higher and stronger

Protection, I need to protect myself, I’ve been hurt, I say never again, but who knows

I have learned a lot in the last few years

I’ve made mistakes

But I do NOT have regrets; those mistakes have made me who I am today

I have gone through more loss than you know... that’s ok though

I am stronger for it

There is way more to me than you even know

I show you the surface, nothing more

I am changed

Hopefully for the better

I am growing

I am moving, forward I hope

But I go backwards to

I am stuck right now, ill figure it out though… I hope

I am the girl who can smile through it

I can hide it all

I can brighten your day on my darkest

I can show you my heart, but only if I want to

I can trust, but I don’t

If you gain my trust, you have me till I die

If you lose it, I’m sorry, it is hard to get back

I can close my eyes, yet I can’t shut off my heart

It is my downfall

I care for you more than you care for me

I love you more than you love me

I put me second time and time again

One day it IS going to kill me

I let things eat away at me

I push them down

I show no emotion

I am strong for you

I’m hesitant

I’m confused

I am shy

I am too nice

I’m scared to be happy

I’m scared you’ll leave me

I need you, I’ve already lost the ones I need the most

I’m scared ill be alone

I’m not happy with me

I don’t expect you to be with me either…its ok

I question... a lot

I shouldn’t, but I do... and that scares me

I doubt when I shouldn’t

I don’t accept when I should

I try to fix it all

I want to make YOU feel better

I hate when my friends hurt… I hurt

I don’t just say I want your pain, I really do and will take it if you let me

 this is who i am today, but it will change... dont judge me on my past, nor on what you think ill do, think of me today & if you are gonna judge, dont jump to conclusions, im not the same person i was yesterday or will be tomorrow.

 *this is probably an ongoing list...check back if you want*

Never

Never again will I let you go

Never left wondering what if

Never again with doubts

You will know my feelings

My love

My care

My heart

Never leave me not knowing

Never let you go not understanding

I still talk to you

I hope you can hear

I hope you know

I hope you can forgive me

To many gone

My heart hurts

Not knowing if you knew

Never again

O Boy...

It happened today… listening to some music.  Songs I’ve heard a hundred times, or so I thought.  I had never really listened to the words I guess.  Today they hit me hard; they opened my eyes and ears to so much.  Seeing so many things that are and have been in front of me for so long. Just never saw or heard them. 

Made me think.  What am I doing on my side of this relationship, I ask so much of you, probably too much.  Still learning, accepting, searching for you.  Gaining advice from you little by little, picking up certain points from others, they’re teaching me about you, even if they don’t know.  Im trying to take it all in, but I wont lie, im overwhelmed and very confused at this point.  I’m trying to find my way, searching, but finding nothing right now, I think I may need to open my eyes though, I think its all right in front of me, I just am not seeing it.  I should be comfortable with you, I should not doubt you, and I don’t, but deep down there is that little bit of doubt and that scares me.

I need to just open my heart or figure this all out and accept what I can’t answer.  This is all so overwhelming, I need to figure it out or it will drive me deep into the ground, I can’t handle that low again.  I need to just trust you, I need to let you show me what to do next, where to go… at least a hint.  I just need to get an understanding of all of this, or at least try, but I also need to accept that I probably cant and won’t ever fully understand it all, nor am I supposed to. 

Simple Questions, Hard Answers

If I died today

Would I have done anything

Would my life have meant something

Would it just have been a waste

Would I have lived it to its fullest potential

Would they be proud of me

Would He accept me

Would I get to see you guys

Will you welcome me

Will you turn on me

Will I see you again

Will I be missed

Remembered

Lost

Forgotten

Saved

Mourned

Will I have been me

Stayed true

Changed

3 hours, 20minutes

Left in today

Will I make it?

Another day gone

Another chance to change

Another day wasted

...Or was it

3 hours 20 minutes…what are you doing?

In the End

In the end

What will it be like in the end?

I often wonder about this

What is the end?

Is it the end?

Is the beginning?

How will it end?

Is it peaceful?

Is it painful?

What will be there?

How will it look?

Who will be there?

Or will I be alone when it comes?

Will I handle right?

Will I even be able to handle it at all?

Will you handle it?

Will I still be able to help?

Will my life have meant something?

Will it be remembered?

Will I be remembered?

...What for

Good and bad or just bad

Do I fear the end?

I don’t know

I want to say no

But, at times I do…

To you the end maybe one thing

To me another

And another person something different

Regardless of what that is

There are still questions

So many questions

So few answers

Better that way I suppose

Ill keep asking though

MUSIC

Do you ever hear a song and lyrics that just speaks to you. Its opens so many feelings and emotions.  It makes you think of someone or something.

For me that’s happens all the time, and it doesn’t just take a song, it can be a line or a phrase… it automatically just sets me off… my emotions begin to flow and I have to write or something.

It can be the simplest thing, but to me it can take on such a large meaning.  I don’t mind it, but sometimes it unleashes emotions and memories that I don’t want to resurface, but I just can’t predict what will set them free

It takes me away form it all, to another world.  Music is my escape, even if it brings other things about, I still love the feeling it gives me, and everything it does to me

Music is something I love and I think this is why.  It speaks to me and touches me with such simply words and phrases… music truly is amazing.

I’m always looking for new tunes, those of you that know me, know this, the rest of you will learn this... tell me, if you don’t mind what song or line or artist as a whole is touching you the most right now and bringing out these emotions

Again

Have I done it again?

I hope not

As much as I care

This shouldn’t happen

Why do I care?

Just causes pain

Did I hurt you?

I’m sorry

Running through my head

All these thoughts

Did I say something?

What? What was it?

Not meant to hurt

Can’t believe I did this again

Only one I could open to

Once again…gone

Who’s supposed to help now?

Keep running you off

Can’t believe it

I miss you

I miss them

I need you

I need them

Sign…I need one

Warning…where’s mine

Never came…to late

Need to deal

Need to heal you

Make you ok

Just talk to me

Please

One last time

I’m scared

Sorry I hurt you

Trust is now gone

Walls back up

Said they’d never come down again

Really, now, they wont

Can’t take the hurt

Your pain, not mine

Did it again

Can’t believe it

Mad at me, not you

My faults, not yours

Again

I’m sorry

The D word...

Death
What is death
Death of mind
Death of body
Death of spirit

....depends who you ask

Do you think about it
I do
What if...
Would it be better
Who would care
Who would remember

What really happens
Whats it like
Am i ready
When will it comes
...not up to me, but i still wonder

Did i live right
Did i fufill my purpose
Shit, what IS my purpose

Some days it seems so pleasant
Others not so much

So much to live for
Yet so many I'd die for
Wouldn't even think twice

So many i wanna see
If death came
I could

Could see you
Smell you
Hold you
Feel you

I could talk to you
Make sure you knew how much i love you
Care for you
Miss you
Think about you
Need you

Death, do you fear it
I used to
Still do at times
Others not so much

It wil come, i know that
One day, guaranteed

Question is
Will you be ready
I hope i am
What really dies
I know the answer in my head
Where do you go
Again, i think i know
Will you be alone
I hope not

"sigh"...Everyday i think about
This mystery called death
Maybe it wont remain that way
Maybe there will be answers
Maybe not
Either way, im fine
Ill continue to ask
And think about it
Till that day comes

I Question, Even With No Answers, I Continue

Why is this happening?

I just don’t understand why

I always ask why

I know ill never get an answer

There has to be a reason, I just will never know

Only He knows that reason though

I have to trust that it has a point

Its all for the better

But why can’t I deal with it

I should be able to

Why is it never easier?

Why doesn’t it get better?

Everyone says “in time…”

Well fuck time

That time never comes

…I’m still waiting and you know what,

I always will be

They say, “I’m here for you”

I know this

I know I have people around

Yet I feel so alone

Why do I feel alone?

Why do I feel abandoned?

Why can’t I make it better?

I need to make it ok

If I’m not ok, that’s fine

But I need them to be ok

I need them to stop hurting

God please give me their pain

Ill take it from them

Take it in

Just stop their pain

I find it hard to stay positive

As soon I’m up, I’m knocked back down

I’m tired…they’re tired

Just wanting a break

If only for a week, hell a day

Just something

I know He always has my back

But I do begin to lose faith some days

I get it back quick

But I still question, that scares me

I need to be stronger

I need to be better

I need to keep going

…That’s tough

I know it’s just a test

I hope I can pass

With them by my side I’m sure I will

I know its not supposed to be easy

But damn…

I guess all we can do is go forward

The problem is

I feel like as soon as I move forward

I end up farther back than I started

I hope I can get somewhere

But at this rate

I’m lost, not sure which way to go

I could use a little help…

So again, I’m left with questions with no answers

Pain with no heal

Heartache with no mend

Just wondering if it will ever stop

Un-Answered Calls

I called your phone a while ago, just to hear your voice...

I knew you wouldnt answer but i can close my eyes & hope,

Imagine that your here with me...

Here to hold me

Hug me

Calm me

Just talk to me

I wish u were here

I miss your smile

I miss your smell

I miss your hugs, o god how i miss those hugs

You always knew just what to say

How to make everything ok

To make life make make sense

Who's here now to make sense of it all?

No one...

I need your voice

I need your heart

I need your strength

I need your energy

I just need YOU

I know your watchin

Just keep an eye out for me

Help me find my way

And help me make it through those hard days

I know your here

Even if its not physically

Your with me forever

Just know

Til the day i die

Your in my heart

Never far from my mind

Until we meet again

i less than three you

just had to get this off my chest...

It happened as I was driving to eat lunch with my mom… I saw a police officer positioning himself to stop traffic.  I knew what was coming, I came to another light, another cop… then here it comes over the hill.  First I see the police escort, then one after another the men of the Patriot Guard riding along on their bikes… then here comes the family and friends of the fallen soldier… I get chills because not only is it the funeral of a person, but of a soldier, and I also happened to be stopped right in front of the church that I’ve been having a draw too (see previous entry called ‘it happened again…)

The next thing I see really shocks me, I see a few cars trying to pass and keep driving, this sickens me (frankly it took everything I had to keep my mouth shut and not tell them how low I thought they really were) because

1.     You don’t do this as anyone’s funeral passes by, you pull over and stop… show some respect AND

2.     You especially don’t do this as a fallen soldiers funeral passes by, this person gave their life so that you can drive down the road and not worry about anything happening, so that you can worship whomever you please, so that YOU can sleep at night and not worry about getting woken up by gunfire, this person gives you all the comforts you take fore granted

The next thing that happens really irks me, I see protestors, driving along side of the funeral parade, yelling and holding signs that I wont even give the chance to be repeated on here… again, people, I don’t care if you agree with the war or not, respect that this person gave their life for YOU and this country.

At this point, my emotions are wacked out, I’m fighting tears, having chills, and am vey pissed all at the same time… the fact that I’m almost in tears really gets to me, because most people that know me know that I don’t cry, it scares me that I’m having to fight the tears back, I mean don’t get me wrong, I get sad, but I don’t cry…

…But I still have some hope, because of the next thing that happened, the cars at the front of the line of stopped cars at this light, criss-crossed so that the people that wanted to show their disrespect could not get through, the car next to me motioned for me to roll down my window, I did, asked if I wanted to help block the path too, I said yes of course… we then positioned our cars so that nothing could get through… We shouldn’t even have to do this though, people need to remember what respect is and to care about others, even if you go all day thinking about yourself, take this opportunity to remember other people and their struggles and sacrifices.  Take this chance to show that you have the ability to think of others first, I mean I’m no saint, I do a lot of wrong and it takes a few people sending me thing or hitting me in the head to jar me out of that mood…

We all forget how good we’ve got it; we need to remember how lucky and blessed we all are…

---So I think I got off topic a bit, I’m sorry, but once I get going, it’s hard to stop---

It Happened Again Today...Still Confused and a bit Freaked

here's the previous note i posted about this...

-ok, soo.. im not an extremely religious person and ive never really felt comfortable with the church scene, i attribute this to never finding the right church, all the ones ive gone to have been mainly geard towards older people and me being the only youth there... i know it shouldnt matter and its not about social stuff but, many of the people are comfortable with each other and no one else being around

i do believe in God and that He controls everything and that everything He does has a purpose, but i have never felt close to Him...sometimes i wish i was closer to Him

im one of those people who doesnt think that you necessarily need to go to church to be religious, i just never felt the need to have to go somewhere to prove my belief in God and make it a social thing

ive never really gone to church on a regular basis, so this is why i felt so awkward monday..

ok, so i was walking across campus and happen to have to pass the chapel in the middle of campus, i felt drawn to it.. something was just telling me to go closer to it.. i ignored it, but it happened again yesterday

im a bit confused, i dont know why, but i just feel like i should strengthen my religion, like im probably going to need it really soon to get through something, i dont know what, and that scares me, im not trying to deny the pull, i just dont feel comfortable, with this that i dont understand

im never felt drawn to a church before, i just dont understand whats going on, i have to pass by there tomorrow and of the pattern continues, the pull is going to be even stronger... im going to get pulled towards the chapel again....


i hope this makes sense, ive debated since yesterday to write this or not, i dont know if ive made the right decison or not, im afraid some might read this and find me ignorant,.. i just dont know, this might be off here soon... 
*posted March 12*
---------

something similar happend today...

ok, so today i was out drivin around and i got this feeling again when i passed a church ive passed a million times before, but never with the feeling i got today... i felt drawn again, and again it kinda scares me... i just have this feeling that something bad is gonna happen soon and im going to need my faith to be stronger, thats the part that scares me...

im just not comfortable if i dont know whats going on, im getting freaked

again, im still not sure i should post this, .. please dont take me as ignorant, im just trying to understand


*this is from June 23*