it

I’m looking for something… I don’t even know what nor am I even sure “it” exist.

I could never find it in my family.  Dad is great, but its just not here, whatever “it” is. Mom and I just don’t see eye to eye, we’re too busy fighting for her to even notice I’m falling.

I can’t find it in my friends. Sometime I even wonder how many of them are really friends, how much they truly care about me or if I am just another person… being used because they know ill come at the drop of a hat, that id do anything for them.  How many of them would just drop me once my “use” is gone…?

For the last 20 years I’ve been locked in this prison, same walls, same routine, same clothes…. Just going through the motions.  Never thought twice about any of it, this was just how life was and is always going to be.  Just another person in the world, occupying space and that was it.

I never really looked for anything more, well until a few months ago… I don’t know what changed, but something did.  There has to be more, something else. I’m not even sure what “IT” is, but I’m looking for it…

I don’t know where I’m going to find “it”, when I’m going to find “it” or if I’m even going to find “it”. I never found it in the liquid temporary gold or the solid relief.  I never found it in my friends or my family.  It’s not coming with money.  What is it that I’m looking for, what will bring the solution, what will bring happiness, peace, rest, purpose… what will make me feel like I actually matter. What is “it”?

I have got small glimpses of “it”… just enough to show me it is familiar; Just enough to bring down some of the walls I’ve built up around me for so long.  These glimpses opened me up a bit, sharing more and more with few… showing emotions I had worked so hard to burry for so long and exposing fears I tried so hard to conceal.  All of this leading to years and years of stocked up tears falling from my eyes. 

These glimpses ended as quickly as they began, back to the prison, the routine, back to going through the motions, back to the other feelings… back to burying them all, concealing the fears, and back to being the strong one.

What is it that I was feeling?  What is it I’m searching for?  Will I ever find it?  Does it even exist?...I really want it to, but I'm just not sure.