it

I’m looking for something… I don’t even know what nor am I even sure “it” exist.

I could never find it in my family.  Dad is great, but its just not here, whatever “it” is. Mom and I just don’t see eye to eye, we’re too busy fighting for her to even notice I’m falling.

I can’t find it in my friends. Sometime I even wonder how many of them are really friends, how much they truly care about me or if I am just another person… being used because they know ill come at the drop of a hat, that id do anything for them.  How many of them would just drop me once my “use” is gone…?

For the last 20 years I’ve been locked in this prison, same walls, same routine, same clothes…. Just going through the motions.  Never thought twice about any of it, this was just how life was and is always going to be.  Just another person in the world, occupying space and that was it.

I never really looked for anything more, well until a few months ago… I don’t know what changed, but something did.  There has to be more, something else. I’m not even sure what “IT” is, but I’m looking for it…

I don’t know where I’m going to find “it”, when I’m going to find “it” or if I’m even going to find “it”. I never found it in the liquid temporary gold or the solid relief.  I never found it in my friends or my family.  It’s not coming with money.  What is it that I’m looking for, what will bring the solution, what will bring happiness, peace, rest, purpose… what will make me feel like I actually matter. What is “it”?

I have got small glimpses of “it”… just enough to show me it is familiar; Just enough to bring down some of the walls I’ve built up around me for so long.  These glimpses opened me up a bit, sharing more and more with few… showing emotions I had worked so hard to burry for so long and exposing fears I tried so hard to conceal.  All of this leading to years and years of stocked up tears falling from my eyes. 

These glimpses ended as quickly as they began, back to the prison, the routine, back to going through the motions, back to the other feelings… back to burying them all, concealing the fears, and back to being the strong one.

What is it that I was feeling?  What is it I’m searching for?  Will I ever find it?  Does it even exist?...I really want it to, but I'm just not sure.

times up

time...

times up

to late

to far gone

is it to late for me

am I too far gone

is there any hope left

I’m already dead

maybe not on the outside

but

on the inside, I am

empty...hollow...dead

heart stopped

last real beats are gone

hope... just a four-letter word

one I don’t know

one I never did

& one I never will

time is up

it’s too late

too far gone

I never had hope so I can’t even say I lost it...

so I defiantly don’t have it.

hidden

Behind this smile,

Behind these eyes…

Lie layers of hurt

A heart broken by pain and fear

Tears just waiting for a reason to fall

For someone to hold on tight & say 'its okay'...

Just let them fall...

But the world see’s none of this

The smile will stay…

The eyes will mask…

The layers pile on…

The heart stopped beating a long time ago,

It will remain hollow…

The tears will continue to pile up...

One day they will fall, they have no choice… today is not that day though.

For now, 

I just keep pretending... 

Perhaps one day I won't have too...

Grateful

Sometimes we all gotta take a step back from our crazy lives...

We take so much for granted, we gotta stop and focus on the little stuff that makes such a BIG impact on us...the love & care of the people around us. You gotta have supportive people around you; you can't always make it alone & when you fall who's gonna help you up?


For the friend who cries the moment they see you cry and don't even know why you're crying...be Grateful

For the ones who show you how to love, even when you don't know how...be Grateful

For those you hurt & push away and in spite of it all, still love you...be Grateful

For the ones you try and hide things from, but can read still read you like a book...be Grateful

For the ones who have a 'secret' crush on you, but who will still hold you while you cry from a broken heart of another...be Grateful

For the ones who are there for you, when you need them at any given time...be Grateful

For those who want to love you...let them love you &...be Grateful

For those who are so patient & forgiving of you...be Grateful

For the ones who won't turn their back on you & walk away when you need them the most...be Grateful

For those who love you & still pray for you everyday...be Grateful

If some one makes a positive impact on your life & makes you smile...tell them how much you appreciate it. The love of people carries no price...never take anyone for granted.


<3

a way out

they say its the easy way out
well yea it probably is...
they say its the wrong way out
again, it probably is...
but there comes a point where that doesnt matter,
when you just get to a point that a way out is all you want.

how do you get here
where the pain
the fear
& the restless nights
drive you to do something more,
to take control of just ONE thing.

what stops you
who stops you
is it the knowledge of just one person
is it the care for a few
is it knowing,
that even though you've given up on yourself
that there is still someone who hasnt given up on you

there comes a point where you just dont want to fight anymore
you dont want to keep holding on
but
there is still someome not prepared to let go of you...

as long as theyre holding on
you wont go anywhere...

even if they dont know it,
they are holding your life in their hands
they are SAVING you











...G and J... just let go, please...

I'm

I’m tired of being told it’s going to be okay

I’m tired of being told there’s more

I’m tired of being told to hold on

I’m tired of being told I’m going to be okay

I’m tired of feeling alone

I’m tired of feeling lost

I’m tired of worrying

I’m tired of lying

I’m tired of faking it

I’m tired of masking

I’m tired of crying

I’m tired of losing it

I’m tired of bothering

I’m tired of being scared

I’m tired of fighting

I’m tired of feeling empty

I’m tired of being to told to trust

I don’t, I never have

I wish I could

More than anything,

I’m tired of my head

I just want to be able to rest, not even sleep… just rest

I’m just…tired.

I want to know it’s going to be okay

That there is more

That there is something to hold on to

That I will be okay

That I’m not alone

That I will find my way

That I don’t have to worry

I don’t want to have to lie

To fake it

To keep masking

I don’t want to have to cry

To keep losing it

I don’t want to bother

To be scared

To keep fighting

I want to be whole for the first time in my life

I’m tired of not knowing… I want to know, I NEED to know and above all… believe it.