blind

Well... I’m here, 18 hours away from everything and everyone I know.  I feel like I was already on quicksand in that place of familiarity but now I am definitely on quicksand. I am stepping out, onto unknown ground… could be solid or could be slippery, heck, I could even fall straight through. I am hoping that this is right, that this is the right time and thing to do, but I honestly don’t know. I am here now, I am going to go with it and as was pointed out to me smack dab in the middle of my 18 hour drive,

No matter how this turns out, it’ll be good. Maybe this is just an experience I am meant to have, regardless of the outcome.

I have to keep reminding myself of this or more so convincing myself of this. I just keep thinking about the stepping out even when you see no staircase or the lyric of only seeing once you move, "I wish I could see just three steps in front of me; But the lamp unto my feet, it only moves when I take a step..." I am then reminded of Hebrews 11:1, “faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see”.  

I certainly am going into this journey fairly blind, I have no idea what I have gotten myself into. I am trying to trust that no matter what happens with this, I stay or I end up back home or somewhere else even, that I will be okay and that it is just another chapter.  It all stems back to my trust or lack there of right now… one thing that I am working very hard on. I am constantly trying to remember, and am also being reminded, that in every step I take, You are right here with me that I will never step out on my own; which if I let that sink in and start to truly believe it deep down, in my heart and soul, is a very comforting thought.

One thing a friend said to me has resonated with me, she told me that “worry ends when faith begins”… well I am searching for that faith and trying to leave the worry behind. 

when "i'm okay" just isn't enough

You ever notice that when people ask you how you are, they most often times don't listen for the answer, I mean REALLY listen. I can not tell you how many times people ask that and I could say anything and they would respond pretty much the same way, with just the general answer of “well that’s good” or something similar. I don’t think people really care anymore, I think most just ask because that what you’re supposed to do... there is no interest in how the person actually is.

What happened to caring and genuinely wanting to know how the person is and what’s going on in their life...? When conversations lasted longer than “how are you”, “good, glad to hear”... the end.  I would pretty much rather people just not say anything to me if they have no interest in my answer... just don’t ask, please.

Now, I understand that sometimes, you just don’t want to answer the question; you just want to say... “yea, I’m fine”, “I’m okay”, “its all good”, I’m notorious for those answers, so guilty as charged; and with most people, that’s sufficient because they either a) don’t really care how I am, b) don’t delve deep enough or see past the masks, or c) just see that I don’t really wanna talk about it. I understand and am just fine with options ‘b’ and ‘c’, but ‘a’ is what irks me... don’t just ask to be asking, ask because you actually care.

I can honestly say that if I ask you how you are, I really wanna know... otherwise I wouldn’t have asked. I can also tell you that one of those answers I’m notorious for will probably NOT slide with me... I dig deeper, I know when is an honest answer & when it’s a cover, like I said, I am notorious for those. I also know that I will continue to make sure that you know that I will listen and care about what you have to say, but that if you just tell me you don’t want to talk then I will leave you alone, but also know that I wont forget that you were clearly NOT okay & that I will most likely be checking on you again soon.

I think I just got a bit sidetracked but what I was trying to point out or remind people was that when you ask someone how they are, listen... REALLY listen, otherwise, don’t bother asking... take an interest in how your friends and family REALLY are. I know it’s hard in this very self centered society but you just gotta try. Take a step back, take it all in, and realize that it all goes back to care, which stems from the most important thing out there... LOVE. If we don’t love each other, then what good can come? LOVE is the key.

“Three things will last forever, faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love” 1 Corinthians 13:13

 I’m guilty of all these things, know that... and I’m right there with you, but i am also right there trying to change, trying to be a part of the generation that went back to caring and got back to the LOVE we were meant to share. . I'm really happy that I have a few friends who have taken the time to actually ask and care how I or others are doing and have not been fooled by my standard answers... they have forced me to be real and admit that maybe I'm not okay, maybe I do need to talk, and that maybe it IS okay that I'm not. So to you, thank you. I urge you all to do the same, it will help you as well as that person, I can guarantee that. 

new

For those of you interested, i have a new blog site. it is strickly focusing on life/god/belief/journey. ill continue to post the poems/rants here though, but for some different content, check out the new one over at typepad


http://specialkhockeywordpresscom.typepad.com/


l.o.v.e