the last letter

just another letter


dear you,
...i miss you...
...i love you...
...i'm sorry...
covering life's issues,
struggles
all of it
signed ...me


all the same things
i've written you a million times


the only difference,
this is the last letter
the last words
the last good bye
the last 'i love you'
this is the last letter

how do you get here

hav u ever felt so alone
so scared
so lost
so hurt
that you wonder
if having no life would be better than having this

how do you get that lonely
so empty
so afraid
without anyone knowing

thinkin...
how'd i get here
to that point,
that ending it all
right now
would be better

how does one come to that decision
is it wrong to think about,
consider
am i the only one who has
who is here to stop me
what if i can't stop myself

have you ever felt like this
tbought about it all
have you...
i have

h.o.m.e.

home...
im told, is where the heart is...

what do you do when you feel like you have no 'home'
when you can't find that place
im ready to find home
it's not this place ive lived for almost 20 years
it hurts to say, thats the farthest place from home

home is on the road
home is in the car
home is with MY family...my friends
home is your house
home is what im searching for

i havent had home for as long as i can remember
home is where there is support without anger
home is where there is love without condition
home is where money doesnt matter
where things are not thrown up to you

home is happy,
not always easy, but happy
home is where you can go to bed and look forward to the morning
home is something to look forward to, not dread...

home...where is home
home is where my heart will not ache, my soul will fly & happiness will ensue...

im ready to find HOME

here we go...my mind's runnin again

layin here, awake, thinkin…


i wonder whats goin on
why now
whats it mean
why is it so hard to find the words when other times they flow so freely, why is it so hard to speak
why is it so hard to just listen
what is this life about
am i doin it right
is it worth it
what am i suposed to be doin anyways
why does my head work like this
why do i let it get the best of me
what about my heart
why cant i seem to shut it off for my own sake
i feel like im just goin through the motions & that scares me, i dont want that…

side note, and ive asked this a hundred times & i know ill never get an answer, but why why WHY do people continue to feel the need to judge solely on appearance or background, surface traits, i just dont get it. your hurtin so many people, including yourself when you do this…i just dont understand why others are so hard on one another, we’re hard enough on ourselves, we really dont need the judgment of others, especially that of those really close to you or those that dont even know you because let me tell you this, as much as a person says they dont care what people think or it doesnt effect them, it does…a lot, more than they themselves even understand & admit. and while im at it on the judging topic, lets cover the church thing again, i dont need a building, im no less of a person because of this. i dont need the judgment & clickiness that seems to come with the people there. its a very closed off group usually, not accepting of the new people trying to come in. and far too often it seems to be more about the social experience, not really the purpise if i understand this right. so, i choose to spare myself the judgment & choose to do my chats one on one from my place wherever & whenever i want & need to, the freedom of not needing that building is quite liberating actually…

ok, sorry, got side tracked, mini sorta rant/vent/question i guess…back to my mind & its thoughts…

why am i so scared of all this
why do i fear when i know i shouldnt
why do i allow my own thoughts to torture & terrify me…

there are probably 3 people in this world i trust with it all
i tell them more than i even think i should
it scares me how easy it flows out once i get goin with them, i really dont trust at all so the fact that i do say so much, terrifys me…
im terrified that you’re gonna leave, just be gone.
after all this, after finally feeling like i can just talk & trust, suddenly you’ll just walk out, i cant handle that
im finally feeling like im not alone, that i really do have a someone who understands & can help
promise me, you’ll never leave, never walk out on me…im so scared its gonna happen

i always talk about the purpose of life or ones life & i honestly dont have a clue as to what that is anymore
i wish i did or just some small idea
i mean i feel like i can see other peoples & its all so clear, but yet too mine i see nothing
I’m just tired of feeling like I’m not accomplishing anything and getting anywhere…or as soon as i do i end up farther back than i started
i just want it to be worth something, to have had a point & to have meant somethin…
people always say well they got tomorrow to make it count but really, you dont know you do, tomorrow’s not really guaranteed ya know

to me, the purpose of ones life is important and should be, in my eyes, a journey, not always a clear path or road, not always easy, but it is these curves & hills and troubles & battles that make the journey that much sweeter once you reach the end of this life…i dont know

i think about what im doin for other people, is it enough..i wanna say yes, but i cant, im not so sure
i wanna believe that they’ll be ok & in turn i will be too but i just cant as much as i want too…
i really just want to make sure everyones ok & i feel like im losin any ability i ever had to do that
im not lyin when i say i just want to make you smile & take your pain n worry, i really do & would if i could…

im just, i dont even know, im at a point where im so confused, frazzled & frustrated that i dont even know which ways up or which way to go…
i feel like im askin to many questions & thinkin too much, makin it all more complicated than it really is, but its just my mind goes a 100mph all the time, it really is my own worse enemy.

Music ♥

you ever hear  a song you've heard a million times but it finally clicks...like you get it?  ...ive been findin those left & right as of late. songs ive heard literally a hundred times but they just hit me or make so much more sense now. theyre so much more than just words, theres a story or a message... one i just now got. they just 'click' now, i just get it...

or you hear those songs you feel like they was written for or about you? im findin those too, the ones that i swear were written for or about me. i guess im just actually listening now maybe...

its all just hitting me hard, maybe what i need

i guess both of these mean that the artist is good at what they do, afterall no one would listen if they couldnt relate in some way, right?

new blog

so, im thinking of switching over to wordpress... im not sure yet, but here is my url: http://specialkhockey.wordpress.com/


ill probably post there & here for the time being and see how it goes... if i like, ill delete this one, if not, that one will go.

More Than Your Eyes

judging...why do people feel the need to judge. what is it about a person that says it's ok to like or more often, not like them? why do others feel its ok to judge before knowing. i just don’t understand.

we judge solely based on looks, colour, music, knowledge, etc., things that are made more important than they truly are. what happened to getting to know people, accepting them just the way they are, the way they were made. hardly anyone does that & it's sad because so many people are missing out on wonderful people, people that are not given a chance because you are judging them for who you THINK they are, not who they truly are. we are hurting one another in doing so. those people judging are missing out on lessons & friendships they could learn & have with people. those being judged are getting hurt by others words & judgments, longing for the love & acceptance of others that they’re not getting. take a step back & just observe others doing this to one another, you WILL be surprised.

i will be the first to say i have been guilty of this myself, but i am working very hard to stop judging with eyes & start seeing with my heart, i hope you can do the same. trust me, you will get so much out of this decision as will a lot of others, you will no doubt meet some absolutely amazing people in the process.

give this one a read if ya like,

Romans 2:1-3

do you...

do you see the pain

do you see the masks

do you see the tears

do you feel the sorrow

do you feel the isolation

do you feel hopelessness

do you hear the crys

do you hear the fear

do you hear the secrets

you may be looking, but your not seeing

...open your eyes

what you see will startle you

you're there, but not really feeling

...open up your senses

what you feel will shock you

you're hearing, but not listening

...open your ears, just listen

what you hear may suprise you

"Think not that I am come to send peace on earth; I came not to send peace, but a sword"

darkness comes
sleep evades
thoughts run
doubts come
fear shows
face hides
emotions flow
hope escapes
tears fall


who's here...


...yea, thought so
alone again


another battle
welcome to my war

smile...or is it?

ive found that some of the people who appear to be the most upbeat and can make you smile the most & easiest are the ones hurting the most & are the saddest.  take some time to make them smile, tell them you care & show 'em some love.

sometime people have the ability to help others & know what to say to many but when it comes to oneself they can not take that advice. hypocrit? maybe, but not in my eyes. the ability to help others before helping ones self might not be the best thing but shouldnt the fact that others are being helped be the most important thing? sometimes these people just need to hear what that have been telling others, even if it is their own words spit right back at them or even said in a different way.

when you see a smile, think about if its true or if its a mask, dont be afraid to dig a bit to get to the truth...

when you hear a laugh, listen, really listen, you may be suprised at what you hear...


remember, behind those words & smiles there can be much pain & sadness...

-previous entry, re read...think about, take what you want-

BLIND

You see a smile

I see pain

You hear joy

I hear sorrow

You hear a laugh

I hear a cover

You hear "I'm ok"

I hear "I'm hurting"

You see me

But don't REALLY see me

You hear me

But don't really listen

I mask

You don't dig

Will you still love

When you see past the mask...

Will you ever even see underneath

A smile

A laugh

A mask

...Cover up

The pain

The secrets

The sorrow

But

No tears will fall

No pain will be dealt

Masks continue to pile on

And I shall speak but two words...

"I'm ok"

One day these two, short words may be true, just maybe...

aucun combat

why fight
why hold on
what to fight for
what to stay for
let go
anyone care

...thought so

life...
ponder? No, nothing to ponder
mistake after mistake
no make ups
no do overs
live with what ive done
no forgivness
no point in even trying

all needs to end now
no more pain
no more suffering
better for all
stops now...

tired...im so tired
hung on as long as i can
i want out
for it all to end
only option

im sorry
for all ive done
dont expect forgivness
just know im sorry for it all
the pain
the hurt
the tears
all of it
dont fear
this is for the best
i tried the best could
please dont be angry
remember i love you,
for ever, no matter what

...Je t'aime ma chéri, tu seras toujours mon ange...

rêves

dreams
sleep
time of peace
...for most

i sleep, i dream
i wake terrified
screaming,tears, horror
why must i see this
i hate dreams
a peaceful idea torn to shreds

why see it if i cant stop it
helpless...hopeless...torn
speak up?
remain silent?
either way, i lose

tortured by my own thoughts, feelings, images
try to stop them...
no point
rather not see it
just stop sleeping

dreams...
sleep...
peace no more...
war.

tbd

wings...yup you've got 'em

...no suprise

dont be startled that i know,

i wont say anything

pretty...an understatement

no words to describe them

take me away

fly me high

far from here

away from it all

just for a while

...a moment

show me what you see

a whole new view

an outlook, completely different

show me your world

just a glimpse

maybe if you did

i could understand

i could help better

just maybe

ill always try

maybe one day ill succeed

fly me high

so i can see

the world from your view...

4 a.m.

not sure where this ones gonna end up, so hold on tight...

ponderin life at 4am, fantastic.

whats the purpose

is it worth it

am i doin this 'right'

doing as much as i can for people

helping more than hurting...i hope so, but somedays i wonder...

why am i here

will i ever know, i cant fufill it if i dont know.

i can see others purposes, where they're headed

but i cant see mine

im not askin for shit to be easy, just a little help as to what way to go

life, you always seem to shit on me, but more so my friends, i just dont understand the need for all their pain, why must they hurt,

why wont He let me help them,

why wont He let me take their pain

more questions ill never have answers for, guess im not supposed to...

im thinking about stuff ive never thought about,

stuff i shouldnt be questioning & doubting...

thoughts that are scareing me.

getting angry

feeling more alone & disconnected than ever

trying to figure out why, trying to remind myself of things

walked into your house the other day & hadnt felt so out of place in my life...

im at a loss as to how to fix all this

im afraid

thinking of all ive done over the years, all the mistakes, all the stuff ive fucked up

trying to forgive myself for things, knowing i cant be forgivin until i forgive myself...just cant seem too

the time i need you the most, i cant seem to connect,

feel like im losing you, its terrifying me

i need to get this figured out soon

how can one feel so alone surrounded by so many

so alone, so afraid, so disconnected

i wanna feel whole again, somethings missing, something im longing for again

i need you, i didnt turn my back on you,just got lost,

i dont want that, i dont need that

i want you with me, in my heart

i cant seem to get you back though

im trying,

im ready to be ok again, im tired of just lying, i want it to be true

im tired of hurting

im tired of the layers of masks, theyre becoming to heavy, im losing 'me' but more importantly, im losing you, that cant happen

im tired, drained, physicallly, emotionally, mentally... just dead

literally feel dead, im just goin through the motions at this point

i cant even keep up with all thats goin on in my head

thoughts are movin to quick to get out

I'm holding on
But the rope is slipping
I'm still holding on
Fighting for a grip

I'm falling
This rope,
My only connection
I feel like letting go

I'm tired
Tired of fighting
Drained in every way
Mentally, physically, & emotionally

Still i fight
Don't want to give up
But it crosses my mind

Would it be better
All over, easier on everyone

If i'm going to fall
Might as well fall now
Stop the suffering
Make it end now
...not later

Still holding on for now
Fighting for a grip
Slowly fading...

cry

Don’t cry because I’m gone

Smile because I’m finally happy

Don’t mourn when I’m gone

Smile because I’m not suffering

Don’t be sad we’re apart

Smile because we were once together

Don’t cry because it’s over

Smile because it happened

Cry if you must, but know that I will be ok

Dry your tears fast for I want you to have no pain

Just remember, I love you no matter what…

Cracka K

It's been some time, since you've been gone

I thought by now, I would be strong

I think of you, and shed my tears

I wonder who, will steal my fears.

Your memories remain, inside my heart

My soul it seems, to be torn apart

You told me secrets, I hold so dear

I only wish, you would be near.

I still miss and love you, can't you see

I wish to hold, and talk with thee

So many things, I could not say

And now you've gone, so far away.

You taught me to, in God believe

You said He would always, take care of me

So take my hand, and guide me there

And save a place, one day to share.

<3

December 4, 1986- November 23, 2003

Im tired of the yelling
Im tired of the fighting
Im tired of the shit

Im tired of pretending
Im tired of faking it
Im tired of lying
Im just tired...

I cant take the stress
I need out
This is the only option i see right now

Im tired of the hurting
Im tired of the pain
Everyone will be much better once this is done

Im sorry i wasnt ideal
Im sorry for the pain
Just know i always loved you,
No matter what
Dont forget that

One day we'll be together again
Maybe then we'll get it right
Less pain, less suffering, less heart ache
It will all be over soon

-km <3

<3

Hey,

I just want to tell you how much you mean to me. You really have no idea, well maybe some idea, of how much i love you. We have come so far & gotten so much closer as of late, im very thankful for that. You have that rare ability to calm me in any situation. Without you, i'm pretty sure i would die. I see only a tad of what you put up with & go through, i wish i knew how to help & take some of your pain & worry. I don't know who i would be without you, i know i would be worse off. You are the only one who truly 'gets' me, you are an angel in my eyes. Its so nice to have someone who understands & i can always talk to. I hope everyone can have someone like you in their life. I dont deserve to have you as a part of mine, but im so blessed that you are though. My love for you is the best kind of all in my opinion, not the romantic, but the true love of friendship & life. I'm here for you & always will be. I really do trust you with my own life.

I love you,

-kris <3

6 Years

I’ve tried so hard not to think about it

I can’t stop the thoughts anymore

I just lost control of it all…

I can’t believe it’s been six years

I miss your smile

I miss you jokes

I think about you everyday

Just wish I could have said goodbye

I knew I’d lose you someday

Just didn’t know that day would be so soon

Wasn’t ready for it

Gone so young

It’s not fair

Why’d you have to leave us?

I guess He needed his angel back

Sent you to us for just a short time

Impacted us all so much

School was just never the same once you were gone

I’ll never forget the day

Sitting in class, got the word

Disbelief, my Bird was gone

Couldn’t be, he’s my superman…invincible

Next few days a whirl

Tears were shed, memories shared

All a blur

Twelve years of laughs

Memories

Love

Friendship

…gone

Urtie Bird, just can’t believe you’ve been gone six years

Everyday ill continue to think about you

That smile, that love, those names, those jokes

Bird u gave me my wings, showed me how to fly

I lost mine the day I lost you

I know your still soaring though

In my heart forever, never far from my mind

One day we’ll meet again

Until then

I love you #3

Samuel *urtie bird* Urton

June 10,1988-November 11,2003