4 a.m.

not sure where this ones gonna end up, so hold on tight...

ponderin life at 4am, fantastic.

whats the purpose

is it worth it

am i doin this 'right'

doing as much as i can for people

helping more than hurting...i hope so, but somedays i wonder...

why am i here

will i ever know, i cant fufill it if i dont know.

i can see others purposes, where they're headed

but i cant see mine

im not askin for shit to be easy, just a little help as to what way to go

life, you always seem to shit on me, but more so my friends, i just dont understand the need for all their pain, why must they hurt,

why wont He let me help them,

why wont He let me take their pain

more questions ill never have answers for, guess im not supposed to...

im thinking about stuff ive never thought about,

stuff i shouldnt be questioning & doubting...

thoughts that are scareing me.

getting angry

feeling more alone & disconnected than ever

trying to figure out why, trying to remind myself of things

walked into your house the other day & hadnt felt so out of place in my life...

im at a loss as to how to fix all this

im afraid

thinking of all ive done over the years, all the mistakes, all the stuff ive fucked up

trying to forgive myself for things, knowing i cant be forgivin until i forgive myself...just cant seem too

the time i need you the most, i cant seem to connect,

feel like im losing you, its terrifying me

i need to get this figured out soon

how can one feel so alone surrounded by so many

so alone, so afraid, so disconnected

i wanna feel whole again, somethings missing, something im longing for again

i need you, i didnt turn my back on you,just got lost,

i dont want that, i dont need that

i want you with me, in my heart

i cant seem to get you back though

im trying,

im ready to be ok again, im tired of just lying, i want it to be true

im tired of hurting

im tired of the layers of masks, theyre becoming to heavy, im losing 'me' but more importantly, im losing you, that cant happen

im tired, drained, physicallly, emotionally, mentally... just dead

literally feel dead, im just goin through the motions at this point

i cant even keep up with all thats goin on in my head

thoughts are movin to quick to get out