Silence is a Scary Sound

I discovered something last night. As I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, something told me to turn off my music. Seems simple enough, right? Well not so much to me.

You see, my music is my comfort, my safety net if you may. I turn it on every night and sleep with it playing softly from my headboard. It is an every night, every day, ALL day thing.

You see, what I discovered is, I don’t like silence. I don’t know why, but I know it's true. Something about complete & utter silence, terrifies me. I don’t know if it's what I may or may not hear or if it's letting go of the safety net that is my music but I do know that it's holding me back & in some strange way, one of the heaviest burdens on my heart that I hold.

Maybe it's because at that moment, of complete silence, I’m out there, on my own, completely exposed; from my mind to my heart all the way down to my soul. That is extremely scary to me.

As hard as this is for me to admit, I didn’t have the courage or strength to let go of it last night, I just layed there and left my music on. I thought about reaching the SIX inches to the headboard to shut it off but couldn't bring myself to. I just layed there & fought back the tears. I couldn't get past my fear... and for that, I am ashamed.

What’s sad is that I know it's important to be in complete silence at times, it's essential on so many levels. It is also something that I want & want to be able to do... but at this point, I just can't seem to handle it.

Silence strips me of everything & leaves me alone with my heart, my mind, & my soul.

And sadly enough, as I’m writing this, I have my music on.

Some of you may read this and say 'its just music, what's the big deal, roll over & turn it off', but it is so much more than music and I’m embarrassed to say so much harder to me.

"...no more pain, no more fear, no more sorrow..." ♫

My mom’s aunt is dying. Mom went down to Dallas to see her and essentially say goodbye. Jan has cancer and has really given up, refusing andymore chemo or any other treatment for that matter. She was in the hospital but the doctors sent her home, there’s nothing more they can do. They sent her home to die in comfort.

There is no more helpless feeling than seeing someone you care about give up and submit to death; knowing that’s there’s NOTHING you can do to help them.

I’m home in Arkansas with dad, mom’s on her own in Texas, having to deal with herself and her mother, Jan’s sister. Mom has little support there, there is some other family in town but still; I think it would be better if dad could have gone.

This afternoon, Wednesday- July 28, mom text me. She told me that Jan is really sick, not doing well at all and they don’t think she will make it to tomorrow and that Jan said she loved me. That last bit tears me up; she loves me…really, wow. I hardly have talked to her in the last year and barely saw her at all… maybe once every few years. To see that someone who only has few breaths, words, left took the time to use those words to tell me, me of all people, that she loves me… it kills me. It also reminds me of some things we all need to remember; we gotta make sure people know how we feel about the, tell them you care and love them. Do it now, you never truly know when you’ll get another chance. Another thing, love has no bounds, no matter if you talk to them every day or only every now and then, they still care about and love you, never forget that.

It’s sad that it takes death and circumstances such as that to bring people together and bring out the loving words and reminders.

Death has always intrigued me, but more so the things that are brought to the surface because of death. I have mixed feelings on it; it’s sad in one sense but very joyful & peaceful in another, you’re finally free once death comes.

*aunt Jan died Thursday afternoon, July 29, 2010*

you just don't get it

no one understands. i want to believe someone does, but i just dont. no one gets it, i dont even myself. i wish i could explain, i wish i felt like someone remotely got it, then i could talk to them but they just dont. this feeling, i cant explain it even if i could i dont really feel like you'd understand. never have i felt like this, this pain... longing... draining... hurt... lost... this alone. what's changed, i dont really know. i felt like i was doing better, or trying too. but as of late, its gettin worse than it ever has been. it drains me to just think about, & actually produces physical pain. i went to a concert last night, a concert that could potentially change my life. it was the first time i just let go for a moment, but at the same time there were tears begging to fall throughout the whole set... tears that are still wanting to fall at this moment, almost 24hrs later. i dont know what happened, if things just hit close to home or i just had realizations or what, but i do know that i realized that feeling like this for much longer is not an option. there was one point last night where one song, one moment, a mere 4ish minutes that im still thinking about & cant get off my heart... at that point something clicked.

there is so much weight on my heart right now, physical pain that i cant fix... it needs to be relieved.

no one understands the way i feel, no one gets it... it's okay i guess. i just dont want to be forgotten, left... hung out to dry. please dont give up on me. help me. give me someone to talk too, just listen...

sixty-five days

65 days…

It’s been sixty-five days.

What’s different?

…To tell the truth, at this point, not much.

More than likely, that’s my fault

But,

I’m about the same place I was when I started

Gaining more knowledge,

But

Along with it, more scars

Internal

External

Emotional

Physical

Sixty-five days

65 days since I started something new

Fresh

Since I started over

I guess I didn’t really truly start over

Just proceeded with a new emotion

Same direction

Same mistakes

Same hurts

Do I feel different?

Honestly, maybe a little

But not much

I want to, but I refuse to lie to myself and others and say yes

I am trying

I am moving, not sure in what direction but I am moving

Sixty-five days

65 days ago I made a decision, a decision that did and will change my life

A lifelong decision, a never-ending decision,

A decision that will be with me for the rest of my life…

A decision only I could make

Sixty-five days ago

My.life.changed.

FORVER

you♥

dear boy. you broke my heart. you probably dont even know, thats okay. i suppose its better that way. im the best friend, thats all i am. just know that when she breaks your heart, ill be there... holding you, with a shoulder to lean on. ill always be there. ill always love you, no matter how much pain you bring to my heart. know that every minute spent with you brings me joy & a smile on my darkest days... they are the best days yet the hardest at the same time. having you right in front of me yet knowing i cant have you, kills me. you will always have my heart & i know one day you'll hold me, if not because im 'the girl' then just because he broke my heart & i need to be held. boy, i love you & always will, no matter what. know that ill never blame you for the pain caused on your account. you are the first thing i think about when i wake up & the last when i shut my eyes.

“save sorrow for the souls in doubt…”♫

...you look at me because i’m different, he smiles because i’m unique…

...you judge because i’m not like everyone, he loves because i’m the only ‘me’…

...you point out my faults, he admires his work…

...you judge because of my mistakes, he washes them away…

...you poke at my weaknesses, he uses them to force dependence & strength…

...you draw tears from my eyes, he wipes them away…

...you tell me i’m not good enough, he says i’m just right…

...you tell me if wouldn’t matter if i wasn’t here, he says the world would never be the same without me…

...you want me to conform, he wants me to stand out…

Love…Hate…Belief

 

i LOVE:

wife beaters

powerade slush’s from sonic

hoodies

music

my friends

ramen

cold

nesquik

daddys cooking

sitting in the dark

fire

believing

movie nights

rings

the city

the country

God

dogs

storms

writing

trust

pasta

the word gherkin

driving... windows down, air off, music crankin

the stars

the clouds

making you smile

country nights, with no city lights or sounds

an open road

accents

late night talks on the porch

listening

i HATE:

Pickles

writing

mustard

my mums phone

the dark

my heart

allergies

the city

friends hurting

guilt

trust

my ignorance

crying

questioning

labels

religion… don’t be confused on this one.

Spiders

People judging

Doubting

limits

slow drivers

thinking

fighting

liars

assumptions

emotion

inequality

my mind

letting you down

i BELIEVE IN:

you <3

heaven

justice

the past

choices

second chances

trusting

peace

hell

the future

lying just a little

love

living as ONE

protection… guard your heart and well being

the present

death

dreams

finding people you'd give your life for & doing so

belief

living

loveing each other

“being lost is so close to being found…”

how long will it take for me to start seeing my scars as a sign that i might make it instead of a sign that i almost didnt… how long will it take for me to actually FEEL like im making progress, not just hear it… how long until i actually know that im loved by God & others instead of just being told… when will it hit me that i will be okay, even after i die instead of just fighting the battle of not even wanting to live…

the question arose

this question arose the other day in a conversation...

'...if you dont wake up tomorrow, if it turns out that today was your last day on earth, would you be proud of what you've done in your life? ...if not, you better think about gettin there, and gettin squared around...'

this one stopped me in my thoughts, thats a scary thing to think
about, but a legitimate point to ponder & a serious question...

my answer is no...

now, next question im asking myself, how do i get that to a yes... i dont know, which to me is an even scarier thing...

“He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Ps 34:18

knee’s weaken
heart slows
ground shakes
hands tremble
breaths deepen
legs buckle

i fall

hands claspe

eyes close
mind runs
lips move
ears listen
tears fall

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights.”

James 1:17

Your time is not your time… it is MY time

Your love is not your love… it is MY love

Your body is not your body… it is MY body

You heart is not your heart… it is MY heart

Your money is not your money… it is MY money

Your gifts are not your gifts… they are MY gifts

Your marriage is not your marriage… it is MY marriage

Your life is not your life… it is MY life

it all belongs to Me

What are you doing with MY time

What are you doing with MY love

What are you doing with MY body

What are you doing with MY heart

What are you doing with MY money

What are you doing with MY gifts

What are you doing with MY marriage?

What are you doing with MY life

How are you giving time back to ME

How are you returning the love to ME

How are you giving your body back to ME

How are you giving your heart back to ME

How are you giving money back to ME

How are you retuning the gifts to ME

How are you giving your marriage back to ME?

How are you giving your life back to ME

all are Mine, always have been and always will be

“The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it.

The world and all its people belong to him”

Psalm 24:1 

Who You’d Be Today

I often wonder who you’d be today

I wonder who I’d be if you were still here

I wonder how much I’d be different

I wonder if you’d be proud of me

I wonder what you’d say to me, my life, and my mistakes

I try not to be angry

But, I am

You got to see just over fifteen years of my life…

A long time? ...No, not to me

You never got to see me drive, play, graduate, or meet my friends…

You’ll never see me get married

I’ll never hear your voice again

Feel your warm hands

Or hear that familiar ‘sissy’ on the other end of the line

I’d give anything to hear you, hug you, or smell you again

For you too just hold me once again, one last time and for you to just tell me it’s all gonna be okay.

I’m happy you’re not hurting anymore

No more pain or frustration

But

I need you here, with me… please.

I think about you all the time

Everyday, all day…

It’s the little things that draw the tears

The subtle reminders of you

And knowing you’re not here.

My memories of you are fading

I’m so scared they’ll all be gone one day

I can’t let that happen, I don’t want to forget you

Ironically, the one memory of you that hasn’t faded at all, is the one I hate the most

The one I want so desperately to forget…

The one I relive everyday

Why can’t the good ones stay

Why it is the bad ones that are left to torture me

Why? ...Another question I’m left with

And another answer I'll never find or understand.

I’ll try to hold on to my memories,

And not forget you

Rest assured, I’ll never let a day go by without thoughts of you…

I wonder what you’d think of me,

My questions, confusion, and fears…

I wonder who you’d be today

More often, I wonder who I’d be.

I love you, forever and eternal

words... such power

Why do I work so hard to keep my promises when people just throw words around like they’re nothing and have no intention of keeping their promises or actually meaning what they say? Does anybody realize how powerful words are? They can do so much harm, so much good, hurt so many, and provide something to hold onto for others. Don’t say you’ll do something or TRY to do something if you have NO intention at all of doing it or even trying too.  If you say something to someone, you better mean it with all of your being. If you choose to say something hurtful, watch out... you have no idea the influence of your words.  Choose to say something nice, I know its hard sometimes, but again... the impact of those words span MUCH farther than you can even imagine. Nobody said it would easy to be the bright spot in some ones day, it is much easier to just not care and in return miss a valiant opportunity to help someone; but do you really want that on your conscious, that you could have provided someone with the hope they need or even just a momentary relief from the rest of their life and troubles? Words… they are one of the most power things out there and some days I wander if people truly understand the affect they can and do have on so many with even the smallest words and phrases. Many days I curse the fact that everyone is allotted a mouth to speak from… TWO ears, ONE mouth…maybe we should all listen a little more and speak a little less; at least until we understand the power of what comes from our mouths.

Never underestimate the power and affect your words have, both positive and negative, on everyone you come in contact with… It can be so simple to brighten some ones day, small things do wonders; it is also so easy to hurt someone with so few words too.

Letter's to God

Letters to God
I write letters to God
Call me crazy
Call me dumb
Call me what you want
I still write letters to God


They say,
I’m sorry
I’m hurting
I’m angry and
I’m sad


They ask,
Why?
What for?
How? and
When?


They ask for answers
They ask for help
For forgiveness
And for hope


They say, 
Thank you
I need you,
And i love you
My letters to God


So call me crazy
Call me dumb
Call me what you may
But I’ll still write my letters to God

valid

valid thoughts
valid questions
valid doubts
valid fears
valid...

why am i guilty about them
why do i fear them
why is it a problem to ask,
...voice
why do i feel like im doing something wrong when i do...

...maybe they arent...

...maybe i shouldnt...

...maybe i am...

Fight

Will you fight for me?

Will you let me fall?

How can I expect you to fight for me when I won’t fight for myself?

Why would you?

I don’t understand…I guess that’s the beauty of it.

How am I supposed to fight for what I can’t see?

How am I supposed to fight for what I can’t feel?

How do I fight for something I don’t know?

…Something I never have.

Tell me, because I don’t know.

I feel myself losing.

I feel myself slipping.

I need solid ground.

I need to be held up.

I need help.

This is a battle that will never end.

But a war that I will win.

…There is no other option.

Please fight for me.

Don’t let me fall.

"LOVE is not just an emotion, but a motion..."

okay. dont get me wrong, i LOVE LOVE LOVE the date of my birth... its just a cool date & somewhat unique, but... i hate that it always falls on or near or on the observed day of memorial day. it is such a fantastic yet extremly sad holiday & gives the servicemen & women the recognition they deserve EVERY day, unfortunatly they dont always get it. i just wish that for every happy birthday or gift i get, that they would get a THANK YOU... everyone could say it a million times each & it still wouldnt come close to even saying it enough.

a bright side though is that i can always say that im born around memorial day or that im doing my party or lunch on or around that day AND then when someone goes, 'memorial day, whats that?' or 'ohh, the "lake" holiday', i can explain to them what it TRULY is & that its SO much more than just a "lake" holiday.

so, to all you servicemen & women and their families... thank you for all you do, every sacrfice, and the freedom & protection that you give us. without you, i couldnt even write this...

Unprepared...Unworthy

Your eyes don't see the beauty

At my computer
Close and focused
Outsiders can see it's burning indentations on my eyes
My brain
My life as it passes vicariously through my fingers
With each stroke another missed opportunity
Moments in the fabric of my life again wasted
No undo
No replay
No way to relive time as it should have been
As I wish it was
Leaving me feeling
Lazy
And unprepared for the true splendors of God's creations

do you understand

do you understand what you're doing to me?

do you understand what you're pushing me to do?

more importantly, do you understand what you're doing to them?

do you understand the life you lead?

do you understand the pain you cause?

do you understand the effect you have?

the consequences you are sure to face?

do you understand... tell me, do you...

...i don't think you do...

one day you'll see what you've done
one day you'll see the pain
one day you'll see the life you lead
one day you'll see the effects
live out the consequences
one day you'll understand

...i just hope it's not too late, but if it is, farewell...

it

I’m looking for something… I don’t even know what nor am I even sure “it” exist.

I could never find it in my family.  Dad is great, but its just not here, whatever “it” is. Mom and I just don’t see eye to eye, we’re too busy fighting for her to even notice I’m falling.

I can’t find it in my friends. Sometime I even wonder how many of them are really friends, how much they truly care about me or if I am just another person… being used because they know ill come at the drop of a hat, that id do anything for them.  How many of them would just drop me once my “use” is gone…?

For the last 20 years I’ve been locked in this prison, same walls, same routine, same clothes…. Just going through the motions.  Never thought twice about any of it, this was just how life was and is always going to be.  Just another person in the world, occupying space and that was it.

I never really looked for anything more, well until a few months ago… I don’t know what changed, but something did.  There has to be more, something else. I’m not even sure what “IT” is, but I’m looking for it…

I don’t know where I’m going to find “it”, when I’m going to find “it” or if I’m even going to find “it”. I never found it in the liquid temporary gold or the solid relief.  I never found it in my friends or my family.  It’s not coming with money.  What is it that I’m looking for, what will bring the solution, what will bring happiness, peace, rest, purpose… what will make me feel like I actually matter. What is “it”?

I have got small glimpses of “it”… just enough to show me it is familiar; Just enough to bring down some of the walls I’ve built up around me for so long.  These glimpses opened me up a bit, sharing more and more with few… showing emotions I had worked so hard to burry for so long and exposing fears I tried so hard to conceal.  All of this leading to years and years of stocked up tears falling from my eyes. 

These glimpses ended as quickly as they began, back to the prison, the routine, back to going through the motions, back to the other feelings… back to burying them all, concealing the fears, and back to being the strong one.

What is it that I was feeling?  What is it I’m searching for?  Will I ever find it?  Does it even exist?...I really want it to, but I'm just not sure.