valid

valid thoughts
valid questions
valid doubts
valid fears
valid...

why am i guilty about them
why do i fear them
why is it a problem to ask,
...voice
why do i feel like im doing something wrong when i do...

...maybe they arent...

...maybe i shouldnt...

...maybe i am...

Fight

Will you fight for me?

Will you let me fall?

How can I expect you to fight for me when I won’t fight for myself?

Why would you?

I don’t understand…I guess that’s the beauty of it.

How am I supposed to fight for what I can’t see?

How am I supposed to fight for what I can’t feel?

How do I fight for something I don’t know?

…Something I never have.

Tell me, because I don’t know.

I feel myself losing.

I feel myself slipping.

I need solid ground.

I need to be held up.

I need help.

This is a battle that will never end.

But a war that I will win.

…There is no other option.

Please fight for me.

Don’t let me fall.

"LOVE is not just an emotion, but a motion..."

okay. dont get me wrong, i LOVE LOVE LOVE the date of my birth... its just a cool date & somewhat unique, but... i hate that it always falls on or near or on the observed day of memorial day. it is such a fantastic yet extremly sad holiday & gives the servicemen & women the recognition they deserve EVERY day, unfortunatly they dont always get it. i just wish that for every happy birthday or gift i get, that they would get a THANK YOU... everyone could say it a million times each & it still wouldnt come close to even saying it enough.

a bright side though is that i can always say that im born around memorial day or that im doing my party or lunch on or around that day AND then when someone goes, 'memorial day, whats that?' or 'ohh, the "lake" holiday', i can explain to them what it TRULY is & that its SO much more than just a "lake" holiday.

so, to all you servicemen & women and their families... thank you for all you do, every sacrfice, and the freedom & protection that you give us. without you, i couldnt even write this...

Unprepared...Unworthy

Your eyes don't see the beauty

At my computer
Close and focused
Outsiders can see it's burning indentations on my eyes
My brain
My life as it passes vicariously through my fingers
With each stroke another missed opportunity
Moments in the fabric of my life again wasted
No undo
No replay
No way to relive time as it should have been
As I wish it was
Leaving me feeling
Lazy
And unprepared for the true splendors of God's creations

do you understand

do you understand what you're doing to me?

do you understand what you're pushing me to do?

more importantly, do you understand what you're doing to them?

do you understand the life you lead?

do you understand the pain you cause?

do you understand the effect you have?

the consequences you are sure to face?

do you understand... tell me, do you...

...i don't think you do...

one day you'll see what you've done
one day you'll see the pain
one day you'll see the life you lead
one day you'll see the effects
live out the consequences
one day you'll understand

...i just hope it's not too late, but if it is, farewell...

it

I’m looking for something… I don’t even know what nor am I even sure “it” exist.

I could never find it in my family.  Dad is great, but its just not here, whatever “it” is. Mom and I just don’t see eye to eye, we’re too busy fighting for her to even notice I’m falling.

I can’t find it in my friends. Sometime I even wonder how many of them are really friends, how much they truly care about me or if I am just another person… being used because they know ill come at the drop of a hat, that id do anything for them.  How many of them would just drop me once my “use” is gone…?

For the last 20 years I’ve been locked in this prison, same walls, same routine, same clothes…. Just going through the motions.  Never thought twice about any of it, this was just how life was and is always going to be.  Just another person in the world, occupying space and that was it.

I never really looked for anything more, well until a few months ago… I don’t know what changed, but something did.  There has to be more, something else. I’m not even sure what “IT” is, but I’m looking for it…

I don’t know where I’m going to find “it”, when I’m going to find “it” or if I’m even going to find “it”. I never found it in the liquid temporary gold or the solid relief.  I never found it in my friends or my family.  It’s not coming with money.  What is it that I’m looking for, what will bring the solution, what will bring happiness, peace, rest, purpose… what will make me feel like I actually matter. What is “it”?

I have got small glimpses of “it”… just enough to show me it is familiar; Just enough to bring down some of the walls I’ve built up around me for so long.  These glimpses opened me up a bit, sharing more and more with few… showing emotions I had worked so hard to burry for so long and exposing fears I tried so hard to conceal.  All of this leading to years and years of stocked up tears falling from my eyes. 

These glimpses ended as quickly as they began, back to the prison, the routine, back to going through the motions, back to the other feelings… back to burying them all, concealing the fears, and back to being the strong one.

What is it that I was feeling?  What is it I’m searching for?  Will I ever find it?  Does it even exist?...I really want it to, but I'm just not sure.

times up

time...

times up

to late

to far gone

is it to late for me

am I too far gone

is there any hope left

I’m already dead

maybe not on the outside

but

on the inside, I am

empty...hollow...dead

heart stopped

last real beats are gone

hope... just a four-letter word

one I don’t know

one I never did

& one I never will

time is up

it’s too late

too far gone

I never had hope so I can’t even say I lost it...

so I defiantly don’t have it.

hidden

Behind this smile,

Behind these eyes…

Lie layers of hurt

A heart broken by pain and fear

Tears just waiting for a reason to fall

For someone to hold on tight & say 'its okay'...

Just let them fall...

But the world see’s none of this

The smile will stay…

The eyes will mask…

The layers pile on…

The heart stopped beating a long time ago,

It will remain hollow…

The tears will continue to pile up...

One day they will fall, they have no choice… today is not that day though.

For now, 

I just keep pretending... 

Perhaps one day I won't have too...

Grateful

Sometimes we all gotta take a step back from our crazy lives...

We take so much for granted, we gotta stop and focus on the little stuff that makes such a BIG impact on us...the love & care of the people around us. You gotta have supportive people around you; you can't always make it alone & when you fall who's gonna help you up?


For the friend who cries the moment they see you cry and don't even know why you're crying...be Grateful

For the ones who show you how to love, even when you don't know how...be Grateful

For those you hurt & push away and in spite of it all, still love you...be Grateful

For the ones you try and hide things from, but can read still read you like a book...be Grateful

For the ones who have a 'secret' crush on you, but who will still hold you while you cry from a broken heart of another...be Grateful

For the ones who are there for you, when you need them at any given time...be Grateful

For those who want to love you...let them love you &...be Grateful

For those who are so patient & forgiving of you...be Grateful

For the ones who won't turn their back on you & walk away when you need them the most...be Grateful

For those who love you & still pray for you everyday...be Grateful

If some one makes a positive impact on your life & makes you smile...tell them how much you appreciate it. The love of people carries no price...never take anyone for granted.


<3

a way out

they say its the easy way out
well yea it probably is...
they say its the wrong way out
again, it probably is...
but there comes a point where that doesnt matter,
when you just get to a point that a way out is all you want.

how do you get here
where the pain
the fear
& the restless nights
drive you to do something more,
to take control of just ONE thing.

what stops you
who stops you
is it the knowledge of just one person
is it the care for a few
is it knowing,
that even though you've given up on yourself
that there is still someone who hasnt given up on you

there comes a point where you just dont want to fight anymore
you dont want to keep holding on
but
there is still someome not prepared to let go of you...

as long as theyre holding on
you wont go anywhere...

even if they dont know it,
they are holding your life in their hands
they are SAVING you











...G and J... just let go, please...

I'm

I’m tired of being told it’s going to be okay

I’m tired of being told there’s more

I’m tired of being told to hold on

I’m tired of being told I’m going to be okay

I’m tired of feeling alone

I’m tired of feeling lost

I’m tired of worrying

I’m tired of lying

I’m tired of faking it

I’m tired of masking

I’m tired of crying

I’m tired of losing it

I’m tired of bothering

I’m tired of being scared

I’m tired of fighting

I’m tired of feeling empty

I’m tired of being to told to trust

I don’t, I never have

I wish I could

More than anything,

I’m tired of my head

I just want to be able to rest, not even sleep… just rest

I’m just…tired.

I want to know it’s going to be okay

That there is more

That there is something to hold on to

That I will be okay

That I’m not alone

That I will find my way

That I don’t have to worry

I don’t want to have to lie

To fake it

To keep masking

I don’t want to have to cry

To keep losing it

I don’t want to bother

To be scared

To keep fighting

I want to be whole for the first time in my life

I’m tired of not knowing… I want to know, I NEED to know and above all… believe it.

Don't Bother Me

*not my writing, saw/heard it in a video...* 

Don't bother me with the souls to save,

I have my our agenda

There's school to do,

Sports to play,

Important stuff to attend to.

Don't bother me with friends at work,

He's got his own religion

I don't have time to change his mind

He'll make his own decision.

Don't bother me with that little girl,

The girl playing in the street, she much too young to understand

That the Savior she can meet.

Don't bother me with sounds I hear,

The sounds of people shrieking

Although I wonder who they are, who are these victims screaming?

Don't bother me with who they are, I really don't want the blame

Cause it's my friend at work and that little girl,

Who from hello scream out my name.

…But don’t bother me


CLICK IT...


Letter From Hell

crossing

standing on the edge of a cliff
no bridge,
no rope to the other side
how am i suppose to cross?

too far to jump on my own
if i jump, im sure too fall
will you catch me?

stuck on one side
looking to the other

standing on the ledge
the other side awaits
only problem...
getting there

dying

some people say 'oh, i'd die for you or for them'... not thinking about the truth of their statement, i mean afterall who will hold them too it...right?  well think about it, who would you die for, if anyone... who would die for you, do you think there is someone who would? what is these peoples relation to you?

i can honestly say that i have a handfull or more of people i would die for... none of which are of direct blood relation to me. i would happily die for these people, does that mean i want to run out & put myself & them in a situation that will lead to this end? no. but if a day does come & it's their life or mine, they will be walking out just fine and ill be left dead... i will have meant my words, acted upon them and done so happily. does this make me a fewl, maybe? but it does not make me a liar.

they will go on to live their life and do good. do i expect someone to die for me, choose my life over their own? no.

chances are someone has already died for you in some way at some time.

i say what i mean & mean what i say... i would die for YOU.

the last letter

just another letter


dear you,
...i miss you...
...i love you...
...i'm sorry...
covering life's issues,
struggles
all of it
signed ...me


all the same things
i've written you a million times


the only difference,
this is the last letter
the last words
the last good bye
the last 'i love you'
this is the last letter

how do you get here

hav u ever felt so alone
so scared
so lost
so hurt
that you wonder
if having no life would be better than having this

how do you get that lonely
so empty
so afraid
without anyone knowing

thinkin...
how'd i get here
to that point,
that ending it all
right now
would be better

how does one come to that decision
is it wrong to think about,
consider
am i the only one who has
who is here to stop me
what if i can't stop myself

have you ever felt like this
tbought about it all
have you...
i have

h.o.m.e.

home...
im told, is where the heart is...

what do you do when you feel like you have no 'home'
when you can't find that place
im ready to find home
it's not this place ive lived for almost 20 years
it hurts to say, thats the farthest place from home

home is on the road
home is in the car
home is with MY family...my friends
home is your house
home is what im searching for

i havent had home for as long as i can remember
home is where there is support without anger
home is where there is love without condition
home is where money doesnt matter
where things are not thrown up to you

home is happy,
not always easy, but happy
home is where you can go to bed and look forward to the morning
home is something to look forward to, not dread...

home...where is home
home is where my heart will not ache, my soul will fly & happiness will ensue...

im ready to find HOME

here we go...my mind's runnin again

layin here, awake, thinkin…


i wonder whats goin on
why now
whats it mean
why is it so hard to find the words when other times they flow so freely, why is it so hard to speak
why is it so hard to just listen
what is this life about
am i doin it right
is it worth it
what am i suposed to be doin anyways
why does my head work like this
why do i let it get the best of me
what about my heart
why cant i seem to shut it off for my own sake
i feel like im just goin through the motions & that scares me, i dont want that…

side note, and ive asked this a hundred times & i know ill never get an answer, but why why WHY do people continue to feel the need to judge solely on appearance or background, surface traits, i just dont get it. your hurtin so many people, including yourself when you do this…i just dont understand why others are so hard on one another, we’re hard enough on ourselves, we really dont need the judgment of others, especially that of those really close to you or those that dont even know you because let me tell you this, as much as a person says they dont care what people think or it doesnt effect them, it does…a lot, more than they themselves even understand & admit. and while im at it on the judging topic, lets cover the church thing again, i dont need a building, im no less of a person because of this. i dont need the judgment & clickiness that seems to come with the people there. its a very closed off group usually, not accepting of the new people trying to come in. and far too often it seems to be more about the social experience, not really the purpise if i understand this right. so, i choose to spare myself the judgment & choose to do my chats one on one from my place wherever & whenever i want & need to, the freedom of not needing that building is quite liberating actually…

ok, sorry, got side tracked, mini sorta rant/vent/question i guess…back to my mind & its thoughts…

why am i so scared of all this
why do i fear when i know i shouldnt
why do i allow my own thoughts to torture & terrify me…

there are probably 3 people in this world i trust with it all
i tell them more than i even think i should
it scares me how easy it flows out once i get goin with them, i really dont trust at all so the fact that i do say so much, terrifys me…
im terrified that you’re gonna leave, just be gone.
after all this, after finally feeling like i can just talk & trust, suddenly you’ll just walk out, i cant handle that
im finally feeling like im not alone, that i really do have a someone who understands & can help
promise me, you’ll never leave, never walk out on me…im so scared its gonna happen

i always talk about the purpose of life or ones life & i honestly dont have a clue as to what that is anymore
i wish i did or just some small idea
i mean i feel like i can see other peoples & its all so clear, but yet too mine i see nothing
I’m just tired of feeling like I’m not accomplishing anything and getting anywhere…or as soon as i do i end up farther back than i started
i just want it to be worth something, to have had a point & to have meant somethin…
people always say well they got tomorrow to make it count but really, you dont know you do, tomorrow’s not really guaranteed ya know

to me, the purpose of ones life is important and should be, in my eyes, a journey, not always a clear path or road, not always easy, but it is these curves & hills and troubles & battles that make the journey that much sweeter once you reach the end of this life…i dont know

i think about what im doin for other people, is it enough..i wanna say yes, but i cant, im not so sure
i wanna believe that they’ll be ok & in turn i will be too but i just cant as much as i want too…
i really just want to make sure everyones ok & i feel like im losin any ability i ever had to do that
im not lyin when i say i just want to make you smile & take your pain n worry, i really do & would if i could…

im just, i dont even know, im at a point where im so confused, frazzled & frustrated that i dont even know which ways up or which way to go…
i feel like im askin to many questions & thinkin too much, makin it all more complicated than it really is, but its just my mind goes a 100mph all the time, it really is my own worse enemy.

Music ♥

you ever hear  a song you've heard a million times but it finally clicks...like you get it?  ...ive been findin those left & right as of late. songs ive heard literally a hundred times but they just hit me or make so much more sense now. theyre so much more than just words, theres a story or a message... one i just now got. they just 'click' now, i just get it...

or you hear those songs you feel like they was written for or about you? im findin those too, the ones that i swear were written for or about me. i guess im just actually listening now maybe...

its all just hitting me hard, maybe what i need

i guess both of these mean that the artist is good at what they do, afterall no one would listen if they couldnt relate in some way, right?

new blog

so, im thinking of switching over to wordpress... im not sure yet, but here is my url: http://specialkhockey.wordpress.com/


ill probably post there & here for the time being and see how it goes... if i like, ill delete this one, if not, that one will go.