the question arose

this question arose the other day in a conversation...

'...if you dont wake up tomorrow, if it turns out that today was your last day on earth, would you be proud of what you've done in your life? ...if not, you better think about gettin there, and gettin squared around...'

this one stopped me in my thoughts, thats a scary thing to think
about, but a legitimate point to ponder & a serious question...

my answer is no...

now, next question im asking myself, how do i get that to a yes... i dont know, which to me is an even scarier thing...

“He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Ps 34:18

knee’s weaken
heart slows
ground shakes
hands tremble
breaths deepen
legs buckle

i fall

hands claspe

eyes close
mind runs
lips move
ears listen
tears fall

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights.”

James 1:17

Your time is not your time… it is MY time

Your love is not your love… it is MY love

Your body is not your body… it is MY body

You heart is not your heart… it is MY heart

Your money is not your money… it is MY money

Your gifts are not your gifts… they are MY gifts

Your marriage is not your marriage… it is MY marriage

Your life is not your life… it is MY life

it all belongs to Me

What are you doing with MY time

What are you doing with MY love

What are you doing with MY body

What are you doing with MY heart

What are you doing with MY money

What are you doing with MY gifts

What are you doing with MY marriage?

What are you doing with MY life

How are you giving time back to ME

How are you returning the love to ME

How are you giving your body back to ME

How are you giving your heart back to ME

How are you giving money back to ME

How are you retuning the gifts to ME

How are you giving your marriage back to ME?

How are you giving your life back to ME

all are Mine, always have been and always will be

“The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it.

The world and all its people belong to him”

Psalm 24:1 

Who You’d Be Today

I often wonder who you’d be today

I wonder who I’d be if you were still here

I wonder how much I’d be different

I wonder if you’d be proud of me

I wonder what you’d say to me, my life, and my mistakes

I try not to be angry

But, I am

You got to see just over fifteen years of my life…

A long time? ...No, not to me

You never got to see me drive, play, graduate, or meet my friends…

You’ll never see me get married

I’ll never hear your voice again

Feel your warm hands

Or hear that familiar ‘sissy’ on the other end of the line

I’d give anything to hear you, hug you, or smell you again

For you too just hold me once again, one last time and for you to just tell me it’s all gonna be okay.

I’m happy you’re not hurting anymore

No more pain or frustration

But

I need you here, with me… please.

I think about you all the time

Everyday, all day…

It’s the little things that draw the tears

The subtle reminders of you

And knowing you’re not here.

My memories of you are fading

I’m so scared they’ll all be gone one day

I can’t let that happen, I don’t want to forget you

Ironically, the one memory of you that hasn’t faded at all, is the one I hate the most

The one I want so desperately to forget…

The one I relive everyday

Why can’t the good ones stay

Why it is the bad ones that are left to torture me

Why? ...Another question I’m left with

And another answer I'll never find or understand.

I’ll try to hold on to my memories,

And not forget you

Rest assured, I’ll never let a day go by without thoughts of you…

I wonder what you’d think of me,

My questions, confusion, and fears…

I wonder who you’d be today

More often, I wonder who I’d be.

I love you, forever and eternal

words... such power

Why do I work so hard to keep my promises when people just throw words around like they’re nothing and have no intention of keeping their promises or actually meaning what they say? Does anybody realize how powerful words are? They can do so much harm, so much good, hurt so many, and provide something to hold onto for others. Don’t say you’ll do something or TRY to do something if you have NO intention at all of doing it or even trying too.  If you say something to someone, you better mean it with all of your being. If you choose to say something hurtful, watch out... you have no idea the influence of your words.  Choose to say something nice, I know its hard sometimes, but again... the impact of those words span MUCH farther than you can even imagine. Nobody said it would easy to be the bright spot in some ones day, it is much easier to just not care and in return miss a valiant opportunity to help someone; but do you really want that on your conscious, that you could have provided someone with the hope they need or even just a momentary relief from the rest of their life and troubles? Words… they are one of the most power things out there and some days I wander if people truly understand the affect they can and do have on so many with even the smallest words and phrases. Many days I curse the fact that everyone is allotted a mouth to speak from… TWO ears, ONE mouth…maybe we should all listen a little more and speak a little less; at least until we understand the power of what comes from our mouths.

Never underestimate the power and affect your words have, both positive and negative, on everyone you come in contact with… It can be so simple to brighten some ones day, small things do wonders; it is also so easy to hurt someone with so few words too.

Letter's to God

Letters to God
I write letters to God
Call me crazy
Call me dumb
Call me what you want
I still write letters to God


They say,
I’m sorry
I’m hurting
I’m angry and
I’m sad


They ask,
Why?
What for?
How? and
When?


They ask for answers
They ask for help
For forgiveness
And for hope


They say, 
Thank you
I need you,
And i love you
My letters to God


So call me crazy
Call me dumb
Call me what you may
But I’ll still write my letters to God

valid

valid thoughts
valid questions
valid doubts
valid fears
valid...

why am i guilty about them
why do i fear them
why is it a problem to ask,
...voice
why do i feel like im doing something wrong when i do...

...maybe they arent...

...maybe i shouldnt...

...maybe i am...

Fight

Will you fight for me?

Will you let me fall?

How can I expect you to fight for me when I won’t fight for myself?

Why would you?

I don’t understand…I guess that’s the beauty of it.

How am I supposed to fight for what I can’t see?

How am I supposed to fight for what I can’t feel?

How do I fight for something I don’t know?

…Something I never have.

Tell me, because I don’t know.

I feel myself losing.

I feel myself slipping.

I need solid ground.

I need to be held up.

I need help.

This is a battle that will never end.

But a war that I will win.

…There is no other option.

Please fight for me.

Don’t let me fall.

"LOVE is not just an emotion, but a motion..."

okay. dont get me wrong, i LOVE LOVE LOVE the date of my birth... its just a cool date & somewhat unique, but... i hate that it always falls on or near or on the observed day of memorial day. it is such a fantastic yet extremly sad holiday & gives the servicemen & women the recognition they deserve EVERY day, unfortunatly they dont always get it. i just wish that for every happy birthday or gift i get, that they would get a THANK YOU... everyone could say it a million times each & it still wouldnt come close to even saying it enough.

a bright side though is that i can always say that im born around memorial day or that im doing my party or lunch on or around that day AND then when someone goes, 'memorial day, whats that?' or 'ohh, the "lake" holiday', i can explain to them what it TRULY is & that its SO much more than just a "lake" holiday.

so, to all you servicemen & women and their families... thank you for all you do, every sacrfice, and the freedom & protection that you give us. without you, i couldnt even write this...

Unprepared...Unworthy

Your eyes don't see the beauty

At my computer
Close and focused
Outsiders can see it's burning indentations on my eyes
My brain
My life as it passes vicariously through my fingers
With each stroke another missed opportunity
Moments in the fabric of my life again wasted
No undo
No replay
No way to relive time as it should have been
As I wish it was
Leaving me feeling
Lazy
And unprepared for the true splendors of God's creations

do you understand

do you understand what you're doing to me?

do you understand what you're pushing me to do?

more importantly, do you understand what you're doing to them?

do you understand the life you lead?

do you understand the pain you cause?

do you understand the effect you have?

the consequences you are sure to face?

do you understand... tell me, do you...

...i don't think you do...

one day you'll see what you've done
one day you'll see the pain
one day you'll see the life you lead
one day you'll see the effects
live out the consequences
one day you'll understand

...i just hope it's not too late, but if it is, farewell...

it

I’m looking for something… I don’t even know what nor am I even sure “it” exist.

I could never find it in my family.  Dad is great, but its just not here, whatever “it” is. Mom and I just don’t see eye to eye, we’re too busy fighting for her to even notice I’m falling.

I can’t find it in my friends. Sometime I even wonder how many of them are really friends, how much they truly care about me or if I am just another person… being used because they know ill come at the drop of a hat, that id do anything for them.  How many of them would just drop me once my “use” is gone…?

For the last 20 years I’ve been locked in this prison, same walls, same routine, same clothes…. Just going through the motions.  Never thought twice about any of it, this was just how life was and is always going to be.  Just another person in the world, occupying space and that was it.

I never really looked for anything more, well until a few months ago… I don’t know what changed, but something did.  There has to be more, something else. I’m not even sure what “IT” is, but I’m looking for it…

I don’t know where I’m going to find “it”, when I’m going to find “it” or if I’m even going to find “it”. I never found it in the liquid temporary gold or the solid relief.  I never found it in my friends or my family.  It’s not coming with money.  What is it that I’m looking for, what will bring the solution, what will bring happiness, peace, rest, purpose… what will make me feel like I actually matter. What is “it”?

I have got small glimpses of “it”… just enough to show me it is familiar; Just enough to bring down some of the walls I’ve built up around me for so long.  These glimpses opened me up a bit, sharing more and more with few… showing emotions I had worked so hard to burry for so long and exposing fears I tried so hard to conceal.  All of this leading to years and years of stocked up tears falling from my eyes. 

These glimpses ended as quickly as they began, back to the prison, the routine, back to going through the motions, back to the other feelings… back to burying them all, concealing the fears, and back to being the strong one.

What is it that I was feeling?  What is it I’m searching for?  Will I ever find it?  Does it even exist?...I really want it to, but I'm just not sure.

times up

time...

times up

to late

to far gone

is it to late for me

am I too far gone

is there any hope left

I’m already dead

maybe not on the outside

but

on the inside, I am

empty...hollow...dead

heart stopped

last real beats are gone

hope... just a four-letter word

one I don’t know

one I never did

& one I never will

time is up

it’s too late

too far gone

I never had hope so I can’t even say I lost it...

so I defiantly don’t have it.

hidden

Behind this smile,

Behind these eyes…

Lie layers of hurt

A heart broken by pain and fear

Tears just waiting for a reason to fall

For someone to hold on tight & say 'its okay'...

Just let them fall...

But the world see’s none of this

The smile will stay…

The eyes will mask…

The layers pile on…

The heart stopped beating a long time ago,

It will remain hollow…

The tears will continue to pile up...

One day they will fall, they have no choice… today is not that day though.

For now, 

I just keep pretending... 

Perhaps one day I won't have too...

Grateful

Sometimes we all gotta take a step back from our crazy lives...

We take so much for granted, we gotta stop and focus on the little stuff that makes such a BIG impact on us...the love & care of the people around us. You gotta have supportive people around you; you can't always make it alone & when you fall who's gonna help you up?


For the friend who cries the moment they see you cry and don't even know why you're crying...be Grateful

For the ones who show you how to love, even when you don't know how...be Grateful

For those you hurt & push away and in spite of it all, still love you...be Grateful

For the ones you try and hide things from, but can read still read you like a book...be Grateful

For the ones who have a 'secret' crush on you, but who will still hold you while you cry from a broken heart of another...be Grateful

For the ones who are there for you, when you need them at any given time...be Grateful

For those who want to love you...let them love you &...be Grateful

For those who are so patient & forgiving of you...be Grateful

For the ones who won't turn their back on you & walk away when you need them the most...be Grateful

For those who love you & still pray for you everyday...be Grateful

If some one makes a positive impact on your life & makes you smile...tell them how much you appreciate it. The love of people carries no price...never take anyone for granted.


<3

a way out

they say its the easy way out
well yea it probably is...
they say its the wrong way out
again, it probably is...
but there comes a point where that doesnt matter,
when you just get to a point that a way out is all you want.

how do you get here
where the pain
the fear
& the restless nights
drive you to do something more,
to take control of just ONE thing.

what stops you
who stops you
is it the knowledge of just one person
is it the care for a few
is it knowing,
that even though you've given up on yourself
that there is still someone who hasnt given up on you

there comes a point where you just dont want to fight anymore
you dont want to keep holding on
but
there is still someome not prepared to let go of you...

as long as theyre holding on
you wont go anywhere...

even if they dont know it,
they are holding your life in their hands
they are SAVING you











...G and J... just let go, please...

I'm

I’m tired of being told it’s going to be okay

I’m tired of being told there’s more

I’m tired of being told to hold on

I’m tired of being told I’m going to be okay

I’m tired of feeling alone

I’m tired of feeling lost

I’m tired of worrying

I’m tired of lying

I’m tired of faking it

I’m tired of masking

I’m tired of crying

I’m tired of losing it

I’m tired of bothering

I’m tired of being scared

I’m tired of fighting

I’m tired of feeling empty

I’m tired of being to told to trust

I don’t, I never have

I wish I could

More than anything,

I’m tired of my head

I just want to be able to rest, not even sleep… just rest

I’m just…tired.

I want to know it’s going to be okay

That there is more

That there is something to hold on to

That I will be okay

That I’m not alone

That I will find my way

That I don’t have to worry

I don’t want to have to lie

To fake it

To keep masking

I don’t want to have to cry

To keep losing it

I don’t want to bother

To be scared

To keep fighting

I want to be whole for the first time in my life

I’m tired of not knowing… I want to know, I NEED to know and above all… believe it.

Don't Bother Me

*not my writing, saw/heard it in a video...* 

Don't bother me with the souls to save,

I have my our agenda

There's school to do,

Sports to play,

Important stuff to attend to.

Don't bother me with friends at work,

He's got his own religion

I don't have time to change his mind

He'll make his own decision.

Don't bother me with that little girl,

The girl playing in the street, she much too young to understand

That the Savior she can meet.

Don't bother me with sounds I hear,

The sounds of people shrieking

Although I wonder who they are, who are these victims screaming?

Don't bother me with who they are, I really don't want the blame

Cause it's my friend at work and that little girl,

Who from hello scream out my name.

…But don’t bother me


CLICK IT...


Letter From Hell

crossing

standing on the edge of a cliff
no bridge,
no rope to the other side
how am i suppose to cross?

too far to jump on my own
if i jump, im sure too fall
will you catch me?

stuck on one side
looking to the other

standing on the ledge
the other side awaits
only problem...
getting there

dying

some people say 'oh, i'd die for you or for them'... not thinking about the truth of their statement, i mean afterall who will hold them too it...right?  well think about it, who would you die for, if anyone... who would die for you, do you think there is someone who would? what is these peoples relation to you?

i can honestly say that i have a handfull or more of people i would die for... none of which are of direct blood relation to me. i would happily die for these people, does that mean i want to run out & put myself & them in a situation that will lead to this end? no. but if a day does come & it's their life or mine, they will be walking out just fine and ill be left dead... i will have meant my words, acted upon them and done so happily. does this make me a fewl, maybe? but it does not make me a liar.

they will go on to live their life and do good. do i expect someone to die for me, choose my life over their own? no.

chances are someone has already died for you in some way at some time.

i say what i mean & mean what i say... i would die for YOU.