“being lost is so close to being found…”

how long will it take for me to start seeing my scars as a sign that i might make it instead of a sign that i almost didnt… how long will it take for me to actually FEEL like im making progress, not just hear it… how long until i actually know that im loved by God & others instead of just being told… when will it hit me that i will be okay, even after i die instead of just fighting the battle of not even wanting to live…

the question arose

this question arose the other day in a conversation...

'...if you dont wake up tomorrow, if it turns out that today was your last day on earth, would you be proud of what you've done in your life? ...if not, you better think about gettin there, and gettin squared around...'

this one stopped me in my thoughts, thats a scary thing to think
about, but a legitimate point to ponder & a serious question...

my answer is no...

now, next question im asking myself, how do i get that to a yes... i dont know, which to me is an even scarier thing...

“He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Ps 34:18

knee’s weaken
heart slows
ground shakes
hands tremble
breaths deepen
legs buckle

i fall

hands claspe

eyes close
mind runs
lips move
ears listen
tears fall

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights.”

James 1:17

Your time is not your time… it is MY time

Your love is not your love… it is MY love

Your body is not your body… it is MY body

You heart is not your heart… it is MY heart

Your money is not your money… it is MY money

Your gifts are not your gifts… they are MY gifts

Your marriage is not your marriage… it is MY marriage

Your life is not your life… it is MY life

it all belongs to Me

What are you doing with MY time

What are you doing with MY love

What are you doing with MY body

What are you doing with MY heart

What are you doing with MY money

What are you doing with MY gifts

What are you doing with MY marriage?

What are you doing with MY life

How are you giving time back to ME

How are you returning the love to ME

How are you giving your body back to ME

How are you giving your heart back to ME

How are you giving money back to ME

How are you retuning the gifts to ME

How are you giving your marriage back to ME?

How are you giving your life back to ME

all are Mine, always have been and always will be

“The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it.

The world and all its people belong to him”

Psalm 24:1 

Who You’d Be Today

I often wonder who you’d be today

I wonder who I’d be if you were still here

I wonder how much I’d be different

I wonder if you’d be proud of me

I wonder what you’d say to me, my life, and my mistakes

I try not to be angry

But, I am

You got to see just over fifteen years of my life…

A long time? ...No, not to me

You never got to see me drive, play, graduate, or meet my friends…

You’ll never see me get married

I’ll never hear your voice again

Feel your warm hands

Or hear that familiar ‘sissy’ on the other end of the line

I’d give anything to hear you, hug you, or smell you again

For you too just hold me once again, one last time and for you to just tell me it’s all gonna be okay.

I’m happy you’re not hurting anymore

No more pain or frustration

But

I need you here, with me… please.

I think about you all the time

Everyday, all day…

It’s the little things that draw the tears

The subtle reminders of you

And knowing you’re not here.

My memories of you are fading

I’m so scared they’ll all be gone one day

I can’t let that happen, I don’t want to forget you

Ironically, the one memory of you that hasn’t faded at all, is the one I hate the most

The one I want so desperately to forget…

The one I relive everyday

Why can’t the good ones stay

Why it is the bad ones that are left to torture me

Why? ...Another question I’m left with

And another answer I'll never find or understand.

I’ll try to hold on to my memories,

And not forget you

Rest assured, I’ll never let a day go by without thoughts of you…

I wonder what you’d think of me,

My questions, confusion, and fears…

I wonder who you’d be today

More often, I wonder who I’d be.

I love you, forever and eternal

words... such power

Why do I work so hard to keep my promises when people just throw words around like they’re nothing and have no intention of keeping their promises or actually meaning what they say? Does anybody realize how powerful words are? They can do so much harm, so much good, hurt so many, and provide something to hold onto for others. Don’t say you’ll do something or TRY to do something if you have NO intention at all of doing it or even trying too.  If you say something to someone, you better mean it with all of your being. If you choose to say something hurtful, watch out... you have no idea the influence of your words.  Choose to say something nice, I know its hard sometimes, but again... the impact of those words span MUCH farther than you can even imagine. Nobody said it would easy to be the bright spot in some ones day, it is much easier to just not care and in return miss a valiant opportunity to help someone; but do you really want that on your conscious, that you could have provided someone with the hope they need or even just a momentary relief from the rest of their life and troubles? Words… they are one of the most power things out there and some days I wander if people truly understand the affect they can and do have on so many with even the smallest words and phrases. Many days I curse the fact that everyone is allotted a mouth to speak from… TWO ears, ONE mouth…maybe we should all listen a little more and speak a little less; at least until we understand the power of what comes from our mouths.

Never underestimate the power and affect your words have, both positive and negative, on everyone you come in contact with… It can be so simple to brighten some ones day, small things do wonders; it is also so easy to hurt someone with so few words too.

Letter's to God

Letters to God
I write letters to God
Call me crazy
Call me dumb
Call me what you want
I still write letters to God


They say,
I’m sorry
I’m hurting
I’m angry and
I’m sad


They ask,
Why?
What for?
How? and
When?


They ask for answers
They ask for help
For forgiveness
And for hope


They say, 
Thank you
I need you,
And i love you
My letters to God


So call me crazy
Call me dumb
Call me what you may
But I’ll still write my letters to God

valid

valid thoughts
valid questions
valid doubts
valid fears
valid...

why am i guilty about them
why do i fear them
why is it a problem to ask,
...voice
why do i feel like im doing something wrong when i do...

...maybe they arent...

...maybe i shouldnt...

...maybe i am...

Fight

Will you fight for me?

Will you let me fall?

How can I expect you to fight for me when I won’t fight for myself?

Why would you?

I don’t understand…I guess that’s the beauty of it.

How am I supposed to fight for what I can’t see?

How am I supposed to fight for what I can’t feel?

How do I fight for something I don’t know?

…Something I never have.

Tell me, because I don’t know.

I feel myself losing.

I feel myself slipping.

I need solid ground.

I need to be held up.

I need help.

This is a battle that will never end.

But a war that I will win.

…There is no other option.

Please fight for me.

Don’t let me fall.