here we go...my mind's runnin again

layin here, awake, thinkin…


i wonder whats goin on
why now
whats it mean
why is it so hard to find the words when other times they flow so freely, why is it so hard to speak
why is it so hard to just listen
what is this life about
am i doin it right
is it worth it
what am i suposed to be doin anyways
why does my head work like this
why do i let it get the best of me
what about my heart
why cant i seem to shut it off for my own sake
i feel like im just goin through the motions & that scares me, i dont want that…

side note, and ive asked this a hundred times & i know ill never get an answer, but why why WHY do people continue to feel the need to judge solely on appearance or background, surface traits, i just dont get it. your hurtin so many people, including yourself when you do this…i just dont understand why others are so hard on one another, we’re hard enough on ourselves, we really dont need the judgment of others, especially that of those really close to you or those that dont even know you because let me tell you this, as much as a person says they dont care what people think or it doesnt effect them, it does…a lot, more than they themselves even understand & admit. and while im at it on the judging topic, lets cover the church thing again, i dont need a building, im no less of a person because of this. i dont need the judgment & clickiness that seems to come with the people there. its a very closed off group usually, not accepting of the new people trying to come in. and far too often it seems to be more about the social experience, not really the purpise if i understand this right. so, i choose to spare myself the judgment & choose to do my chats one on one from my place wherever & whenever i want & need to, the freedom of not needing that building is quite liberating actually…

ok, sorry, got side tracked, mini sorta rant/vent/question i guess…back to my mind & its thoughts…

why am i so scared of all this
why do i fear when i know i shouldnt
why do i allow my own thoughts to torture & terrify me…

there are probably 3 people in this world i trust with it all
i tell them more than i even think i should
it scares me how easy it flows out once i get goin with them, i really dont trust at all so the fact that i do say so much, terrifys me…
im terrified that you’re gonna leave, just be gone.
after all this, after finally feeling like i can just talk & trust, suddenly you’ll just walk out, i cant handle that
im finally feeling like im not alone, that i really do have a someone who understands & can help
promise me, you’ll never leave, never walk out on me…im so scared its gonna happen

i always talk about the purpose of life or ones life & i honestly dont have a clue as to what that is anymore
i wish i did or just some small idea
i mean i feel like i can see other peoples & its all so clear, but yet too mine i see nothing
I’m just tired of feeling like I’m not accomplishing anything and getting anywhere…or as soon as i do i end up farther back than i started
i just want it to be worth something, to have had a point & to have meant somethin…
people always say well they got tomorrow to make it count but really, you dont know you do, tomorrow’s not really guaranteed ya know

to me, the purpose of ones life is important and should be, in my eyes, a journey, not always a clear path or road, not always easy, but it is these curves & hills and troubles & battles that make the journey that much sweeter once you reach the end of this life…i dont know

i think about what im doin for other people, is it enough..i wanna say yes, but i cant, im not so sure
i wanna believe that they’ll be ok & in turn i will be too but i just cant as much as i want too…
i really just want to make sure everyones ok & i feel like im losin any ability i ever had to do that
im not lyin when i say i just want to make you smile & take your pain n worry, i really do & would if i could…

im just, i dont even know, im at a point where im so confused, frazzled & frustrated that i dont even know which ways up or which way to go…
i feel like im askin to many questions & thinkin too much, makin it all more complicated than it really is, but its just my mind goes a 100mph all the time, it really is my own worse enemy.

Music ♥

you ever hear  a song you've heard a million times but it finally clicks...like you get it?  ...ive been findin those left & right as of late. songs ive heard literally a hundred times but they just hit me or make so much more sense now. theyre so much more than just words, theres a story or a message... one i just now got. they just 'click' now, i just get it...

or you hear those songs you feel like they was written for or about you? im findin those too, the ones that i swear were written for or about me. i guess im just actually listening now maybe...

its all just hitting me hard, maybe what i need

i guess both of these mean that the artist is good at what they do, afterall no one would listen if they couldnt relate in some way, right?

new blog

so, im thinking of switching over to wordpress... im not sure yet, but here is my url: http://specialkhockey.wordpress.com/


ill probably post there & here for the time being and see how it goes... if i like, ill delete this one, if not, that one will go.

More Than Your Eyes

judging...why do people feel the need to judge. what is it about a person that says it's ok to like or more often, not like them? why do others feel its ok to judge before knowing. i just don’t understand.

we judge solely based on looks, colour, music, knowledge, etc., things that are made more important than they truly are. what happened to getting to know people, accepting them just the way they are, the way they were made. hardly anyone does that & it's sad because so many people are missing out on wonderful people, people that are not given a chance because you are judging them for who you THINK they are, not who they truly are. we are hurting one another in doing so. those people judging are missing out on lessons & friendships they could learn & have with people. those being judged are getting hurt by others words & judgments, longing for the love & acceptance of others that they’re not getting. take a step back & just observe others doing this to one another, you WILL be surprised.

i will be the first to say i have been guilty of this myself, but i am working very hard to stop judging with eyes & start seeing with my heart, i hope you can do the same. trust me, you will get so much out of this decision as will a lot of others, you will no doubt meet some absolutely amazing people in the process.

give this one a read if ya like,

Romans 2:1-3

do you...

do you see the pain

do you see the masks

do you see the tears

do you feel the sorrow

do you feel the isolation

do you feel hopelessness

do you hear the crys

do you hear the fear

do you hear the secrets

you may be looking, but your not seeing

...open your eyes

what you see will startle you

you're there, but not really feeling

...open up your senses

what you feel will shock you

you're hearing, but not listening

...open your ears, just listen

what you hear may suprise you

"Think not that I am come to send peace on earth; I came not to send peace, but a sword"

darkness comes
sleep evades
thoughts run
doubts come
fear shows
face hides
emotions flow
hope escapes
tears fall


who's here...


...yea, thought so
alone again


another battle
welcome to my war

smile...or is it?

ive found that some of the people who appear to be the most upbeat and can make you smile the most & easiest are the ones hurting the most & are the saddest.  take some time to make them smile, tell them you care & show 'em some love.

sometime people have the ability to help others & know what to say to many but when it comes to oneself they can not take that advice. hypocrit? maybe, but not in my eyes. the ability to help others before helping ones self might not be the best thing but shouldnt the fact that others are being helped be the most important thing? sometimes these people just need to hear what that have been telling others, even if it is their own words spit right back at them or even said in a different way.

when you see a smile, think about if its true or if its a mask, dont be afraid to dig a bit to get to the truth...

when you hear a laugh, listen, really listen, you may be suprised at what you hear...


remember, behind those words & smiles there can be much pain & sadness...

-previous entry, re read...think about, take what you want-

BLIND

You see a smile

I see pain

You hear joy

I hear sorrow

You hear a laugh

I hear a cover

You hear "I'm ok"

I hear "I'm hurting"

You see me

But don't REALLY see me

You hear me

But don't really listen

I mask

You don't dig

Will you still love

When you see past the mask...

Will you ever even see underneath

A smile

A laugh

A mask

...Cover up

The pain

The secrets

The sorrow

But

No tears will fall

No pain will be dealt

Masks continue to pile on

And I shall speak but two words...

"I'm ok"

One day these two, short words may be true, just maybe...

aucun combat

why fight
why hold on
what to fight for
what to stay for
let go
anyone care

...thought so

life...
ponder? No, nothing to ponder
mistake after mistake
no make ups
no do overs
live with what ive done
no forgivness
no point in even trying

all needs to end now
no more pain
no more suffering
better for all
stops now...

tired...im so tired
hung on as long as i can
i want out
for it all to end
only option

im sorry
for all ive done
dont expect forgivness
just know im sorry for it all
the pain
the hurt
the tears
all of it
dont fear
this is for the best
i tried the best could
please dont be angry
remember i love you,
for ever, no matter what

...Je t'aime ma chéri, tu seras toujours mon ange...